Tabla de contenidos para Winter 2018 en Smith Journal

It’s not hard to see why. Within these pages you will find extinct animals whose bones remind us that all things – even massive beasts – must pass. You’ll meet a forensic cleaner whose livelihood depends on folk meeting a grisly end, an artist inspired by ’80s horror books, and a filmmaker whose penchant for fake blood would make Quentin Tarantino queasy. There are dictators and gangsters, cyclones and scammers, poorly treated dogs and severed philosophers’ heads. So, why the long face? You could chalk it up to living through these ‘uncertain times’ – the political turmoil, the 24-hour news cycle, the unseasonable weather harbinging certain environmental collapse. But flicking through the ink-smudged proofs as we corral this thing into something approximating a magazine, I don’t think that’s quite it.…

NEGLECT CAN BE A POWERFUL MOTIVATOR I grew up with a single parent who suffered from mental and physical problems. As a result, I often felt overlooked as a child. I received positive reinforcement when I did something well, and I remember forming this idea that, if I became the best in the world at something, my mother might love me. It sounds crazy now, but in a way it wasn’t actually that far-fetched. For years I didn’t even know what it was I wanted to be the best at – I just knew that I wanted it. When diving came along I grasped it with both hands. INVISIBLE OBSTACLES MAKE FOR HARD NAVIGATING I was 11 when I started training with the Australian Institute of Sport, an age much…

GROWING UP, RICHARD TUOHY UNDERSTOOD THE LURE OF FILM MORE THAN MOST ’70S KIDS. His parents ran a pharmacy in suburban Melbourne that had a camera shop, with a darkroom in the laundry. Tuohy remembers watching spools of film being developed by his father, and being enchanted by the alchemical process that brought them to life. “There’s always been a connection for me with those images and that time,” he says, taking a break from work at Nanolab, which he owns and operates with his partner, Dianna Barrie. It’s based in Daylesford, about 90 minutes north-west of Melbourne, and it’s Australasia’s only Super 8 processing lab. Super 8 film was introduced by Kodak in 1965 as a user-friendly update of the 8mm format. While 8mm film had to be carefully…

IF YOU WERE TO REDUCE THE MAFIA CODE OF OMERTÀ TO A SCHOOLYARD DICTUM, IT WOULD BASICALLY BOIL DOWN TO THIS: DO NOT DOB. No matter who you are, what you’ve witnessed or how you’ve been wronged, never reveal the identity of an outlaw to the authorities. Attempt vengeance by our own means if you wish – that’s your omertà-given right. But never, under any circumstance, should you tattle. Still, omertà is a little less prescriptive about whether you should bed down with these same authorities if doing so might be good for the mob as a whole. Which is how, in the early 20th century, the Sicilian mafia found itself cosying up with not one but two national governments, to see if the underworld might function a little better…

JOE’S KANSAS CITY BAR-B-QUE, KANSAS. THE AIR IS THICK WITH THE STINK OF SLOW-SMOKED MEAT OF VARIOUS SHAPES, SIZES AND SPECIES. Before me, engulfed in a paper-cupped forest of soda and sides, lies a titanic tray of smoked beef and crunchy, caramelised burnt ends. If barbecue is a religion, I’ve made it to the Promised Land. “How’s the brisket?” asks a friend. I’ve no words. Just grunts. Restaurants like Joe’s have given Kansas City a reputation as the melting pot (or smoking pit) of the country’s best barbecue. This is where you go to taste the widest range of barbecue in one place. Elsewhere, in North Carolina, folks don’t get out of bed for anything other than pork shoulder and whole hog. In Tennessee, Memphis wears the prize apron for…

THE FIRST TIME I HEARD BRITNEY SPEARS’ ‘TOXIC’ WAS WHILE WE WERE MAKING THE SELF-TITLED THE LEMONHEADS RECORD, IN 2006. I think it was Bill Stevenson from the Descendents and Black Flag who said how much he liked that song, so I gave it a listen. I remember loving the Stevie Wonder-ishness of it. It has that really good melody: “Dah dah ah ra da ra rah.” It was pretty immediate, and while it’s definitely more surface than substance, there’s just something to the song that I can really appreciate. I’ve never seen Britney perform, and to be honest I’ve never even really thought about her as a musician. It sounds funny, but she actually seems more like a political figure to me. She seems like a smart woman; she’s…

Tell us about yourself. I’m a Brazilian artist with a background in graphic design. I spent the best of a decade working in the corporate world, but got bored and started playing around with these motifs and styles from the pop culture I grew up with: cinema, comics, music, and video games. Unexpectedly, the side project grew to the point where I had to quit my day job. I’m now Butcher Billy, my artistic persona, 24/7. What was the idea behind the series ‘Stranger Love Songs’? Outwardly, pop music and the horror genre couldn’t be more different, but they actually share some similar tropes. Love song lyrics can be pretty messed up. The concept was to subvert or even just emphasise aspects of the lyrics through the horror genre. What…

BORN: May 5, 1864, Pennsylvania, U.S.A. DIED: January 27, 1922, New York, U.S.A. GEORGE MADDEN SIGHED WHEN HE SAW THE LETTER. IT WAS JANUARY 1885, ONE WEEK AFTER HIS NEWSPAPER, THE PITTSBURGH DISPATCH, HAD PUBLISHED A FIERY CRITIQUE OF MODERN WORKING WOMEN TITLED ‘WHAT GIRLS ARE GOOD FOR.’ The women of Pittsburgh hadn’t enjoyed reading that their proper place was in the kitchen, and the angry letters had been landing on his desk all week. This one looked different, though: a plain paper envelope signed simply ‘Lonely Orphan Girl’. Madden rolled his eyes as he opened it. The next day he published an ad in the Pittsburgh Dispatch asking ‘Lonely Orphan Girl’ to come forward and identify herself. “She’s got no grammar,” Madden reportedly told one colleague. “She’s got no…

3M 6800 VENTILATOR MASK “The same kind used by industrial cleaners, these are important because blood-borne diseases are often alive at a scene, and you don’t want to breathe these in. One of the formulas I apply to dried blood is particularly harmful to the eyes and lungs, too.” GRAINGER KLEVER XCHANGE BOX-CUTTER “These have a slightly tougher blade than the cheaper ones, and I don’t know whether I’ll need to cut through a bloodstained couch, some fungus that’s grown at the scene, or a mattress cover, so it’s best to have a strong one.” HOME DEPOT FLO-MASTER SPRAYER “Half a litre of formula is enough to shift even the biggest stains. Because this is polyethylene terephthalate, the plastic doesn’t corrode, so I can reuse it, and the adjustable pressure…

FLICK THROUGH LINDA WATSON’S BOOKSHELF AND YOU’LL STUMBLE ON SOME UNUSUAL ITEMS: THE WILL OF MARY TUDOR; A LETTER BETWEEN CONFEDERATE SOLDIERS; THE SECOND DRAFT OF WUTHERING HEIGHTS. IF IT’S OLD AND WRITTEN IN SMUDGED INK, WATSON HAS EYES FOR IT. Watson is what’s known in the biz as a palaeographer – which in her case means she is paid to read unreadable things. Not ‘intellectually unreadable’, like the corkscrew syntax of Michel Foucault, but the literally unreadable: ancient, chicken-scratch handwriting scrawled in haste by people who barely knew their hithers from their thithers. The sort of handwriting, in other words, that inspired the invention of the Pen Licence. Rare and ancient manuscripts from all over the world find their way to Watson’s little house on the storm-racked Isle of…

AUSTRALIA ONCE HAD A THRIVING COMMUNITY OF LOCAL FOLK CAREFULLY HANDCRAFTING SHOES TO FIT INDIVIDUAL FEET, BUT IT’S GRADUALLY DISAPPEARED AS MANUFACTURING MOVES OFFSHORE. THAT MAKES THE WORK BECCY BROMILOW CREATES FROM A PLANT-FILLED ADELAIDE SHARED STUDIO EVEN MORE SPECIAL. “Very unfortunately, it’s something that is dying out, making shoes by hand,” she says. “Melbourne’s now the only place you can do the shoemaking course – the Adelaide school closed down a year or two ago and Sydney’s closed down ages ago.” While mass-made shoes are works of oddly complete perfection, each pair that leaves Bromilow’s BB Shoemaker studio bears the marks of her hands, beautiful little cuts and scuffs that pay tribute to the long hours she spends making them. Each shoe requires careful measuring, cutting, moulding, tacking and…

A hangi is a traditional Maori method of cooking food in which heated volcanic rocks are buried in a pit along with meat and vegetables, creating a steamy, earthy-tasting feast. And we mean feast. These instructions, care of Newcastle Maori Club vice-president David Horne, will feed 50, but can be adjusted up or down. N.B. Always use volcanic rocks, as non-volcanic ones can explode. EQUIPMENT: a shovel, firewood, volcanic rocks, a large (clean) bedsheet, 5 hessian sacks, large bucket of water, and chicken wire, folded into a basket a little smaller than your pit (see method for size). INGREDIENTS: enough meat (chicken, beef, and lamb work well) and vegetables (potatoes, pumpkins, cabbage, etc.) to fill your basket, cut to size for even cooking. Cabbage or banana leaves for coating your…

THE IDEA, REVEREND PRESCOTT FORD JERNEGAN TOLD HIS PARISHIONERS, HAD COME TO HIM “IN A HEAVENLY VISION”. SEAWATER CONTAINED GOLD, AND HE KNEW HOW TO GET IT. ALL HE NEEDED WERE SOME INVESTORS TO TURN THIS VISION INTO A DIVINE, MONEY-SPINNING ACTUALITY. Had they been aware of his background, Jernegan’s New England flock may have been more reluctant to shell out their precious savings. As a young buck, Jernegan had developed schemes for cheating his mates out of marbles. In her memoirs, his sister recalled him sneaking up on a ship’s cook, snatching his cap, and throwing it overboard. More recently, he had been sacked from two church postings. Hardly the makings of a good shepherd. Still, it was the turn of the 20th century, and gold fever was high.…

BEFORE THE END OF THE COLD WAR, MOST DEMOCRACIES DIED BY THE GUN. FROM PINOCHET’S CHILE TO FRANCO’S SPAIN, AROUND THREE OF EVERY FOUR DEMOCRATIC BREAKDOWNS TRANSPIRED WITH THE MILITARY SEIZING POWER. It was pretty black and white, and what happened next was foreseeable: the constitution would be dissolved, the elected government dispensed with, and the democratically installed leader jailed, exiled or killed. But since the end of the Cold War, democracies have tended to be killed from within rather than without – and their executioners have usually been the leaders elected by these very democratic processes. It’s more effective to dismantle a democracy than overthrow it, because working within democracy’s architecture lets you customise your power. Done subtly, the populace won’t even notice what’s happening until it’s too late.…

IT WAS A WARM AND INTOXICATING SUMMER IN 1986 WHEN CHRISTOPHER KNIGHT, A 20-YEAR-OLD FROM THE SMALL TOWN OF WALTHAM, MASSACHUSETTS, DECIDED TO LEAVE HOME FOR GOOD. ARMED ONLY WITH A BACKPACK OF CLOTHES AND A THIN NYLON TENT, KNIGHT DROVE A HIRE CAR DEEP INTO THE WOODS, LEFT THE KEYS IN THE CENTRE CONSOLE AND THEN SEEMINGLY WALKED RIGHT OUT OF EXISTENCE. NO NOTE, NO WARNING, NO TRACE. HIS FAMILY AND EVERYONE WHO KNEW HIM ASSUMED HE WAS DEAD. Until, that is, the morning of April 4, 2013, when the same Christopher Knight was caught stealing food from a nearby house. When asked why his speech was slurred, Knight explained that the officer who arrested him was the first person he’d spoken to in 27 years. For that entire…

Stamp collectors have a reputation for being a little particular about the objects of their affection: as a rule of thumb, the more pristine the stamp, the greater its value. Bjørn Berge has a different view. “An unused stamp isn’t especially exciting,” he writes in Nowherelands: An Atlas of Vanished Countries 1840-1975. “The more signs there are of handling and of life, the more valuable it feels.” What Berge does share with his fellow philatelists is a love of the rare. Indeed, the 50 stamps featured in Nowherelands might qualify among some of the rarest: each belongs to a country that no longer exists. Some of these places were around for half a century, others only a few weeks. All bothered printing their own tiny, envelope-bound emblems. This wasn’t a…

MY PIANO TEACHERS No-one has had more of an influence on me than my piano teachers. They taught me it was possible to make music the centrepiece of a meaningful life. Once I went out into the larger world I realised that piano wasn’t considered as stimulating as I found it, but it’s the only instrument I can experience on a personal level. Ninety-two per cent of my songs are written on piano. The guitars, the drums – they’re mostly keyboards. Whether you can hear that is another question. ‘WE ARE THE WORLD’ The first record I bought was ‘We Are the World’, by USA for Africa. Having all these iconoclastic, singular artists teaming up and losing their voices for the chorus blew me away. At the time I just…

BESIDES A SOLITARY SINGER AND AN OLD LADY POLISHING GLASSES BEHIND THE BAR, THE SHIRAHAMA KARAOKE LOUNGE IS EMPTY. On the stage, a honeyed mezzobaritone croons a familiar tune: I am a jellyfishI am very smallBut I can do a thing that people can’t doI can become young againJust when I think, “Oh no, this is the end!”I become a polypOne! Two! Three! The woman has heard this track before, though she’s one of the few. Every night at exactly 10pm, Dr Shin Kubota of Japan’s Seto Marine Biological Laboratory comes here to perform this song, one of many that he composed himself. Suddenly the mystery of the empty bar becomes clear. Even if there were a crowd, it wouldn’t be hard to find Kubota: he’s the guy wearing a…

GREYFRIARS BOBBY The tale of “the most faithful dog in the world” is so soppy it beggars belief. The pooch supposedly belonged to a nightwatchman for the Edinburgh police. When he died in 1858, Bobby followed the funeral procession into Greyfriars Cemetery and, until his own death 14 years later, hardly budged from his master’s graveside (apart from a short trot every lunchtime to the restaurant where the pair used to eat). A year after Bobby died, a fountain bearing his likeness was erected. That, at least, is the official story, though it’s almost certainly baloney. In 2011, journalist Jan Bondeson decided to do a little Woodward and Bernstein-esque digging, and found evidence the tale was concocted to lure tourists to the restaurant Bobby was said to frequent. According to…

CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING SCIENTIFICALLY VERIFIABLE FACTS: Once a cow has stood up it’s difficult to predict when it will next lie down. Expensive fake medicine works better than cheap fake medicine. People will find a way to delay their own deaths if it will qualify them for a lower rate on inheritance tax. If these findings made you chortle and then wonder, Marc Abrahams is happy. Every year, his Annals of Improbable Research receives thousands of nominations from folk who reckon they’ve stumbled on a piece of “improbable research” deserving of special acclaim. As the magazine’s editor and emcee of its annual Ig Nobel Prize, it’s Abrahams’ job to decide whether they are. “We assess the entries by two criteria,” Abrahams says. “To win the Ig Nobel prize you need…