Table of contents for November 6, 2023 in Globe

TANKS FOR NOTHING Tattooed bride TISH CYRUS flaunts her flat belly, but songbird Miley’s mom should take a wrecking ball to her trashy wardrobe POINT OF HONOR Country chart-topper WYNONNA JUDD headlines a mental health benefit show in Tennessee — 18 months after mom Naomi’s suicide THE BEST CELEB PHOTOS EVERY WEEK! HELTER SWELTER Sister Wives’ KODY BROWN sweats buckets in Arizona as the rumpled reality hubby fiddles with a selfie stick GOING HER OWN WEIGH This Is Us alum CHRISSY METZ shed boyfriend Bradley Collins — but all of her chins are still sticking around! SPACE CASE MICHAEL ROOKER, scenery-chewing Yondu from Guardians of the Galaxy, can’t hide the ugly tooth about his smile GLASS CLOWN Breaking Bad’s BRYAN CRANSTON totes a bottle of tequila while dancing between the…

FUTURE King William and Queen Kate are reeling after her parents went broke and are being accused of stiffing angry creditors out of $3.2 million! What’s worse, royal in-laws Carole and Michael Middleton have been branded deadbeats in a neighborhood hate campaign, with posters full of vicious smears attached to trees and lampposts in their picturesque home village, Bucklebury. Now Kate and the royals are taking heat from smaller creditors who say they trusted the Middletons because of their ties to the throne and now feel “betrayed” as the clan’s party store business went belly-up. “William and Kate are mortified,” dishes a well-placed palace insider. “William embraced his wife’s family as his own and now looks like a fool. “Meanwhile, King Charles is outraged this financial and public relations disaster…

JERRY & LARRY SCRIBBLE SECRET SEINFELD REVIVAL JERRY SEINFELD, 69, and pal LARRY DAVID, 76, can’t curb their enthusiasm about bringing back the Seinfeld sitcom that ended in controversy in 1998. To refresh, the show’s infamously bad two-part ending, called The Finale, starts with Jerry and cohort George Costanza, played by JASON ALEXANDER, finally getting their TV pilot, “Jerry — a show about nothing,” picked up by a network. And it ends with the duo, joined by Elaine, played by JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS, and Kramer, played by MICHAEL RICHARDS, serving hard time for a crime. In the weird last scene, Jerry does stand-up in the prison — and no one’s laughing but Kramer. As he’s heckled and dragged offstage, he signs off with “Hey, you’ve been great! See you in the…

MOLLY RINGWALD The Breakfast Club babe’s satin gown is a rotten egg that badly clings to her belly bulge SELENA GOMEZ The Calm Down singer’s minidress is fanciful — but the gimmicky style borders on cartoonish LINDA CARDELLINI The Dead to Me star proves denim can be dandy by wearing a simple but stylish belted dress TARA REID The Sharknado scare crow is a frightful mess in a shapeless skirt and poorly matched separates ELIZABETH HURLEY Everything’s rosy for the Bedazzled siren in a perfectly tailored frock and complementary shoes…

CRAPPY Kali Robertson is in deep doo-doo after smashing an “unsecured bag of dog feces” into an elderly neighbor’s face at a mobile home park in Florida, authorities say. According to a criminal complaint, Robertson, 28, had a confrontation with Daniel Powell, 76, who “would always speak with her while she walked her dog” in Pinellas Park. After a final encounter lawmen say the barking mad bully shoved the excrement into the man’s mug, “leaving feces smeared on his face and the bag on the ground.” A police officer claims the poopetrator “ultimately admitted” to the foul deed. Robertson was charged with battery on a victim 65 years or older — a third-degree felony. She was released on $2,500 bond and pleaded not guilty. If convicted, she could be caged…

ANOTHER member of murdered pervert Jeffrey Epstein’s inner circle — this time a young beauty lured into sex slavery — has died in mysterious circumstances as investigators charge fat cats linked to the foul flesh peddler are covering their tracks by killing anyone who knows too much! Pretty blonde Carolyn Andriano — one of four star witnesses who testified at Epstein madam Ghislaine Maxwell’s 2021 sex trafficking trial — was found dead in a West Palm Beach, Fla., hotel pumped full of a toxic cocktail of methadone, fentanyl and generic Xanax. While cops are claiming the 36-year-old died from an accidental overdose, other veteran investigators suspect Carolyn’s demise was staged — and she’s the sixth victim of a murder conspiracy that began when billionaire sex monster Epstein was found hanging…

WHIRLWIND Reese Witherspoon is an Oscar-winning actress and hotshot producer — but the colorful character unwinds from the Hollywood grind by doing paint by numbers! “I do 30 minutes every day. It’s so relaxing,” coos The Morning Show cutie, 47, who finalized her divorce from talent agent Jim Toth in August. “You can’t do anything else while you are painting. You just focus and calm your nervous system.” The Walk the Line songbird crows, “It’s been really fun.”…

THREE cheers for The View’s Ana Navarro for slamming Jada Pinkett Smith’s flood of confessions about her private life and marriage to Will Smith for what they apparently are a shameless cash grab! For the last seven years, Jada and Will have been spilling the beans on their innermost marital and private secrets in her Red Table Talk podcasts and memoirs while holding back one gigantic secret — they’ve been living apart for nearly a decade! Jada dropped the atomic bombshell on Today host Hoda Kotb early last month — destroying her credibility and taking her estranged hubby down, too! In his 2021 memoir Will, the notorious Academy Awards slapper writes the couple weathered serious storms in their marriage and everything was getting close to hunky-dory. As New York Post…

FOUR years before the beloved dog show mockumentary Best in Show, the same stellar ensemble cast made the 1996 comedy Waiting for Guffman — which many film lovers find even funnier! CHRISTOPHER GUEST, EUGENE LEVY, CATHERINE O’HARA, FRED WILLARD and PARKER POSEY play clueless community theater actors staging a doomed musical about their fictional Midwest town. It was shot in Lockhart, Texas, which refused to allow the filmmakers to put up a sign saying “Stool Capital of the United States!”…

COUNTRY diva Reba McEntire’s flirty friendship with longtime pal George Strait has beau Rex Linn up in arms and green with jealousy, according to sources who say Reba’s throwing fuel on the fire by saying she’s indifferent to getting hitched. Sources snitch George and Reba’s camaraderie is completely harmless, silly fun, but it’s rubbing the 66-year-old Better Call Saul actor the wrong way! “Reba and George have worked together over the years and everyone knows they’ve had this flirty game of competition between them, and they mean nothing by it,” confides an insider. Reba’s said: “George and I came up about the same time in the ranks of the music business and I don’t know why, he’s from Texas, I’m from Oklahoma, that’s always a competition. It’s just always fun.”…

ACTRESS and ThighMaster salesgal Suzanne Somers died at 76, but she went to her grave still as obsessed with sex as she was when she was in her 20s and plunged into an affair with married game show host Alan Hamel, who would later become her longtime husband, say sources. The blond bombshell, who tragically succumbed to a relapse of breast cancer on Oct. 15, thrived on talking about her sex-filled love life with Hamel, 87, and preached “giving your partner what they need” was the key to keeping the sizzle between the sheets! Just a year ago the former Three’s Company sitcom star again boasted about her roaring sex life with her hubby of 46 years, who she met when they worked together on 1969’s The Anniversary Game and…

MALICIOUS mom Ashleigh Ableman and her bully boyfriend, Howard Anderson, were arrested in Alabama for using a blowtorch to punish her three young kids, lawmen charge. According to the Dale County Sheriff’s Office, deputies were following up on a report about a suspicious person when they were forced to launch a child abuse investigation after arriving at the Ariton home of Ableman, 27, and Anderson, 53. Lt. Caroline Jackson says the twisted gal’s youngsters — aged four, seven and nine — were found with “severe” burns and “obvious marks” of other vile abuse! The hateful hotheads doled out discipline by taking the blowtorch to the terrified tykes several times, investigators charge. “This is a case of obvious torture to these children. We knew immediately we had to intervene,” says Jackson,…

SAUCE-SLURPIN’ screen icon Shirley MacLaine has been warned by docs to lay off the booze, according to pals who say the What a Way to Go star loves her martinis too much to go cold turkey! A source snitches of the lovable 89-year-old Sweet Charity legend, who still works and co-starred with Peter Dinklage in American Dreamer last year: “Shirley’s been given a firm warning to quit drinking or cut back drastically. She’s getting up there in age and still downs alcohol like it’s going out of style. “She’s been alerted she’s jeopardizing her already fragile health and opening herself up to all kinds of diseases like diabetes, liver cancer and brain damage.” But Shirley, who portrayed Grandma Elle in 2018’s The Little Mermaid, can’t get through lunch without her…

ACTRESS Diane Keaton shockingly hasn’t been out with a guy in 35 years, and her grown kids are telling the Something’s Gotta Give star to ditch the nun act and hop back on the dating-goround, insiders tattle! The 77-year-old Oscar-winning Annie Hall actress had famous love affairs with Woody Allen, Al Pacino and Warren Beatty, but quit dating for good after adopting daughter Dexter, now 28, and son Duke, 23. Now, the kids fear their mom will spend her golden years alone and “in some ways, they feel guilty their mother doesn’t date,” blabs a friend. “Diane was a dedicated mom who felt her personal life took a back seat and her happiness came from her kids.” Her kids are even calling Diane’s friends urging them to set the actress up,…

No more achy breaky heartachy for BILLY RAY CYRUS, 62, who tied the knot with Aussie singer FIREROSE, 35. “For both of us to hear the preacher say, ‘Billy Ray and Firerose Cyrus, I now pronounce you husband and wife’ that was the sacred moment our new forever began,” posts MILEY CYRUS’ dad. Billy Ray’s ex TISH, 56, beat him to the altar and married her own Aussie, Prison Break actor DOMINIC PURCELL, 53, in August! MTV reality star and new pop BRODY JENNER, 40, boasts making “frigging delicious” coffee lattes — using 26-year-old fiancée TIA BLANCO’s refrigerated breast milk! The pair had daughter HONEY RAYE in July. Vanderpump Rules spitfire KRISTEN DOUTE, 40, snorts that “as much as she loves” LISA VANDERPUMP’s entrepreneurial daughter PANDORA VANDERPUMP SABO, 37, she “can’t…

A-LIST celebs are too classy to stoop so low as to hustle products on American TV, but they felt no shame stuffing their wallets with foreign commercials behind the backs of U.S. fans. Check out these overseas sellouts! LADY GAGA The Bloody Mary singer was right at home promoting the F1 Rocks concerts and F1 Grand Prix race in Singapore in 2009. The Poker Face thrush blurts: “Welcome to Singapore, a city of firsts. The first ever Grand Prix night race and now the first ever F1 Rocks.” Vroom! BEN STILLER His Zoolander character was weird, but not as crazy as he is in the 2013 ad for Kirin Fruit Beer. Ben busts through the pompoms of cheerleaders and is tackled by football players. He opens a can of beer…

FORMER football pro Sergio Brown — who disappeared shortly before his mother’s corpse was found 12 miles outside of Chicago on Sept. 16 — was collared in California, according to cops who say he’ll face a first-degree murder charge in Illinois! Myrtle Simmons-Brown’s body was discovered in a creek in Maywood, Ill. — not far from the home the 73-year-old shared with the NFLer — after relatives told cops they couldn’t find her or the ex-jock, who played with the New England Patriots, Atlanta Falcons, Buffalo Bills, Indianapolis Colts and Jacksonville Jaguars. The medical examiner determined Myrtle was injured during an assault and the victim of a homicide. Shortly afterward, social media videos emerged that appeared to show Sergio, 35, rambling about his mom’s demise! “Fake news. It has to be…

BAD boy preacher Ralph Douglas West II — who helps headline a national Christian TV show — has been ordered to pay a gal he bedded after meeting her online a whopping $2.45 million for giving her incurable herpes. “She’s got it for the rest of her life,” the unidentified victim’s lawyer told a Texas jury. An assistant pastor at his dad Ralph Sr.’s televised 24,000-member The Church Without Walls in Houston, the raunchy reverend had claimed he got the STD from “his son’s mother.” He was blasted on social media as a “false prophet” who should “step down.” “In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.”—Abraham Lincoln…

A FAMILY that stuck its neck out to feed a giraffe on a Texas wildlife farm was horrified when the long-legged critter went berserk and made mincemeat of the car! Kari Hill was doing a self-guided driving tour through the Fossil Rim Wildlife Center in Glen Rose with her teenage sons and one-year-old granddaughter when a giraffe ambled over to their SUV and poked his head through the open sunroof, nosing around for snacks. The delighted family hand-fed the long-lashed creature some nibbles and took selfies and laughed it up — until the gentle giant lost his footing and smashed into the wind-shield of their Kia Sorrento! The unstrung ungulate panicked and began thrashing around, hammering dents in the car and reducing the wind-shield to shards while the terrified family huddled…

AMERICA’S Got Talent judge Howie Mandel confesses he drove his family up the wall for years with his bizarre, uncontrolled behavior until wife Terry finally gave him an ultimatum — get professional help or you’re outta here! “I wouldn’t go see a therapist. I wouldn’t go see a psychiatrist. I would not talk about the word ‘mental health’ at all!” dishes 67-year-old Mandel, who was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) in his 40s only after making his talent agent wife and three kids “miserable” with his odd antics. “I’d have my children and my wife spray everything down,” he admits. He says his life turned around only once his wife of 43 years put her foot down and sent him scooting off to see a shrink!…

CHICAGO nursing home resident Dorothy Hoffner set a world record for skydiving at age 104 — and died a week later in her sleep! Male squirrels get smarter in the fall because their hippocampus — a part of the brain — grows larger so they can remember where they stored nuts for the winter. Scientists have no clue why females don’t undergo the same change. Always store apples away from other fruits and veggies in the fridge. The tasty treats produce a gas that makes other stuff spoil faster! Future Golden Girl Bea Arthur — then a 20-year-old named Bernice Frankel — enlisted in the Marine Corps in February 1943. She ultimately held the rank of staff sergeant before her discharge after World War II ended. Bea denied serving, but…