Table of contents for May 13, 2024 in Globe

BREAKING SNOOZE! Kitchen whiz CHRISSY TEIGEN cooks up a comfy outfit for a day at her West Hollywood office CHIN-CREDIBLE BULK Save by the Bell’s TIFFANI AMBER THIESSEN has added celebrity chef to her résumé — and extra chins to her face! NO CAINE DO The end credits may have started to roll for ancient Oscar winner MICHAEL CAINE HE’S A MANE-IAC! Shaggy JASON BATEMAN is letting himself go — but looks ready for a sequel to his Teen Wolf Too JOAN VAN EEK The ship has sailed for JOAN VAN ARK — the Knots Landing beauty’s looks sank long ago ROUND TRIP Doughball DANNY DeVITO bounces south of the border — where the Taxi grump reveals his blubbery beach bod…

BIG weenie John Wayne Bobbitt, 57, says having his toes amputated isn’t as hard as when now ex-wife Lorena lopped off his manhood! He blabs, “I was 26 years old when I lost my penis. I didn’t even want to live when that happened until the doctor put it back on.” The former Marine, who recently lost his piggies to toxic peripheral polyneuropathy, proved his bad feelings haven’t petered out by declaring, “Toes aren’t nearly as traumatic.”…

NEW GLORILLA MONKEY BIZ Sexy rapper GLORILLA went bananas and gave cops an eyeful when the 24-year-old — whose real name is GLORIA HALLELUJAH WOODS — was busted for DUI and having an open alcohol container in her vehicle at 4 a.m. A Suwanee, Ga., officer says the Wanna Be singer was stopped after making a U-turn at a red light and the inside of her ride smelled like a booze and pot party. Police insist GloRilla admitted she’d been guzzling earlier, but reportedly made a monkey of herself when she didn’t notice her boob had “slipped out” and an officer had to tell her. Cops say she also refused a breathalyzer and flunked a field sobriety test where she couldn’t follow a target with her eyes, wobbled when trying…

HEATHER GRAHAM The Boogie Nights babe’s lacy corset top leaves her looking seriously underdressed ALISON BRIE The Glow grappler is a knockout in a playful dress with asymmetric hoop-like tiers BUSY PHILIPPS The Dawson’s Creek alum opts for a great gown, but her neon clutch isn’t a bright idea! ZENDAYA The Challengers queen serves up a double fault with a pom-pom tail and terrible wig TALLULAH WILLIS Die Hard hero Bruce Willis’ daughter needs a rescue from her frock’s sickly chartreuse hue…

PRESIDENT Joe Biden twice hinted his unlucky uncle Ambrose Finnegan was eaten by cannibals during World War II — but military records suggest his belief is off base because the missing soldier’s plane plummeted into the Pacific Ocean! Biden, 81, fed the bizarre line to the public during back-to-back visits in Pennsylvania. While breezing through Scranton, the POTUS blustered, “He got shot down in an area where there were a lot of cannibals at the time.” Then the clueless commander in chief told Pittsburgh steelworkers, “They never found the body because there used to be — there were a lot of cannibals, for real, in that part of New Guinea.” However, Air Force records reveal Second Lieutenant Finnegan, 29, vanished after his A-20 Havoc was “forced to ditch” into the…

SCIENTISTS have discovered an Arizona rock hound’s bizarre fossil is actually a piece of Marine Capt. Everett Leland Yager’s jaw. He died during a training exercise more than 70 years ago. GREEN and gray are the rarest human eye colors — unless you consider red eyes caused by albinism. THE FBI tried to wiretap and deport scientific genius Albert Einstein after he criticized America’s development of the hydrogen bomb. His file has 1,427 pages! YOUR femur can support 30 times your body weight — or about 6,000 pounds for a man. WHOA! Horses can communicate with people using symbols — and even give clues to their attendants who are struggling to find where researchers have hidden carrots. WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT was the fattest president in U.S. history. He weighed 325…

DISTRAUGHT Kim Kardashian is in a free fall as she’s under fresh attack by Taylor Swift and the singer’s massive legion of followers in a ferocious feud industry insiders say could doom the reality family’s billion-dollar brand! The 43-year-old big-bottomed babe has lost an astonishing 120,000 social media followers since the 34-year-old Swift launched her scathing revenge song thanK you aIMee, which is believed to be a nasty slam at the reality diva. “Kim’s getting a ton of abuse and online threats — and the rest of her family is feeling the backlash from Taylor’s fans, too,” snitches a source. “This has gone on now for so long, Kim thought the worst was over but it’s only getting more hysterical.” In case there was any doubt Taylor was coming for…

CODE BREAKERS Each letter of the alphabet is represented by a number. Use the given letters to get started by filling them in throughout the puzzle. Look out for patterns like repeated letters. Codebreaker puzzles use all 26 letters of the alphabet. There are no trademarks, abbreviations, hyphenated nor foreign words on the grid. REAL LIFESAVER Mystery words clue: A source of java REFERENCE GRID MYSTERY WORDS WORD SEARCH Circle the hidden words in the grid, crossing them out in the list as you find them. Words can go horizontally, vertically, diagonally and backward. BEACH BROOK CANAL CANYON CAPE CITY CLIFF COASTAL COUNTRY DESERT DUNES FIELD FOREST GLADE HARBOR HILL ICEBERG ISLAND KNOLL LAGOON LAKE MARSH MOUNTAIN OASIS OCEAN PARK PLATEAU RAVINE RIVER RURAL STREAM SWAMP URBAN VALLEY VOLCANO WATERFALL…

PSYCHO son Jack Callahan drowned his dad during a baptism-style exorcism and blasted the respected banker as a boozer possessed by a demon named Dirty Dan, lawmen say. Jack, 22, has pleaded not guilty to murder as he finally faces trial — nearly three years after the waterlogged corpse of Scott Callahan, 57, was fished out of Island Creek Pond in Duxbury, Mass. Wendy Callahan, the suspect’s mom, called the cops when Jack — then 19 — returned home in the middle of the night wearing soaking wet clothes and behaving bizarrely. She complained her troubled son was having a mental health episode and reported Scott — her ex-husband — as missing. Responding officers say “distraught” Jack, who was sporting a serious shiner, hyperventilated and passed out! Police claim the…

RUDE and rowdy audiences are getting under John Mellencamp’s skin and the Hurts So Good geezer is blowing a fuse after downsizing his venues for a more intimate interaction with his fans. Now things are getting too close for comfort at small playhouses where cranky John can hear ticket buyers’ insulting comments instead of being isolated by the vast distances at sports stadiums. At a March concert, the Rock and Roll Hall of Famer was speaking to the audience when a heckler yelled, “Play some music!” John responded, “What do you think I’ve been doing, you c**ksucker?” He then stormed off the stage in a rage. The previous March, he cussed at fans who kept yapping while he performed an acoustic tune. “Keep your f**king mouth shut,” he said. But that…

EVERYBODY in the world — except for kooky Kanye West and his wife, Bianca Censori — saw this coming! The controversial couple — who delight in flaunting Bianca’s body in ever-more revealing and barely there fashions — are now caught in a groping scandal! A dude called the L.A. police whining he’d been manhandled by West after the bipolar music mogul accused him of copping a feel under Bianca’s dress at an April 16 event. West’s chief of staff Milo Yiannopoulos claims the 29-year-old beauty was “physically assaulted” and “sexually assaulted” by the man accusing West. Milo is insisting cops aren’t investigating his boss for battery. The police are keeping a lid on things. There’s no excuse for the behavior on either side of the alleged kerfuffle, but the whole…

MUSIC icon Dolly Parton helped Sylvester Stallone save his once-shaky marriage to model-wife Jennifer Flavin by turning him into a down-home country boy, tattle sources. Dolly, 78, has been pals with Sly, 77, since they co-starred in the 1984 flick Rhinestone and he’s taken tips from her marriage with Carl Dean, 81, her hubby of 57 years who’s now tragically battling Alzheimer’s disease. Says a source, “Sly’s taken note of Dolly’s amazing love story and that’s helped him to keep things solid in his own marriage” to Jennifer, 55, his wife of 27 years. “He used to be this macho tough guy and that wasn’t doing him any favors at home. This new countrified attitude has had a calming effect on Sly.” As GLOBE previously revealed, the couple went through…

CAUTIOUS Candace Cameron Bure is no longer zipping her lips about a failed stunt on Fuller House — insisting a faulty zipline “landed right on top of my head” and nearly killed her! The 48-year-old actress claims she “almost died” after rehearsing the bit on the sitcom’s living room set. “When I landed off the zipline and stopped, the whole mechanism” came smashing down on her, she dishes — adding that another inch and “it would have probably broken my neck!”…

FIVE of the most terrifying and baffling UFO abductions — including victims who claim space aliens took them into their flying craft for bizarre and painful physical examinations — may finally be proven in a groundbreaking scientific study by top researchers at Rice University. Scientists at the Texas school are gathering thousands of pages of evidence from books, journals, photographs, slides, reports, meeting notes and letters from the past 30 years to discover the truth behind more than 100 alien abductions — including five of the most notorious. “It’s time these unexplained ordeals were closely studied,” says a source close to the research. “These people have often been mocked for insisting they encountered space aliens, but no one has been able to totally explain their experience. “It’s time to verify…

The Walking Dead star TOM PAYNE and model wife JENNIFER ÅKERMAN are the new parents of twins! Moneybags philanthropist MELINDA GATES has dumped former FOX newsie JON DU PRE. Oops! Leftie Congressgal ILHAN OMAR’s daughter ISRA HIRSI has been bounced from posh Barnard College for her involvement in pro-Palestinian protests. Isra, 21, now whines she’s homeless. Stiff person syndrome patient CELINE DION, 56, has turned cover girl, posing topless for a Vogue France fashion photo shoot. Yikes! Swinging Sixties Sock-It-to-Me girl GOLDIE HAWN’s daughter, KATE HUDSON, just turned 45! Tiger King crook JOE EXOTIC, 61, fears he’s battling lung cancer after abnormal test results in a prison hospital. Ramblin’ Man guitarist DICKEY BETTS of the Allman Brothers Band died in his Florida home at 80.…

RENEGADE Prince Harry has turned into a Man Without a Country as he faces the possibility of deportation from America over his long history of drug abuse and banishment by his father, King Charles, after giving up his British residency, royal insiders dish. Sources claim the prince is blaming the impending disaster on his American-born wife, Meghan, who they say is refusing to uproot their children to follow Harry to his beloved Africa — or some other nation — in the event he loses his U.S. visa! “Harry is looking like a real-life Man Without a Country!” spills a high-level palace courtier. “When he and his diva wife quit royal duties in 2020, he vowed Britain was his home and that ‘would never change.’ “Recently, he’s made it very clear…

VALERIE BERTINELLI’s mystery man has revealed himself! “I am Valerie Bertinelli’s boyfriend and that may well be among the most surreal sentences I’ve ever pecked out,” 53-year-old Michael Goodnough posted on Substack. “But it’s true and nothing about our actual relationship seems surreal. It just seems … good … lucky … a gift.” Although she didn’t name him, the Hot in Cleveland star confirmed the romance, saying, “He was not supposed to come into my life and here he is, he’s ten years younger.”…

ACCUSED spree slayer Bryan Kohberger’s attorneys argue the suspect couldn’t have slaughtered four Idaho college students in 2022 — because cell phone records show he was in another state! But critics say there are cracks in the egghead’s alibi because the locations in question are just ten miles apart! A filing on behalf of the criminology scholar reveals the defense plans to offer a cell phone tower and radio frequency expert to partially corroborate Kohberger’s story — that he was puttering around Pullman, Wash., on the evening Kaylee Goncalves, 21, Madison Mogen, 21, Xana Kernodle, 20, and Ethan Chapin, 20, were fatally stabbed in their off-campus pad in Moscow, Idaho. The court documents even claim the “avid” hiker regularly took “nighttime drives” to admire “the moon and stars!” Kohberger, 29, could…

IT’S a bouncing baby Bornean orangutan! The rare creature — an essential addition to a critically endangered species that’s naturally found only on the island of Borneo — was delivered by C-section in Florida when a regularly scheduled ultrasound revealed the infant was “not quite in the right position” for the mother, named Luna, to safely give birth. Soon enough, the great ape’s little one was weighing in at three pounds, four ounces, and displaying sleepy eyes and leathery, grasping fingers. Zoo medics wrapped her in a pink turban and she wrapped her arms tightly around a toy stuffed animal as she dozed — unaware her April 13 arrival is helping to save her species! “We are thrilled to announce the birth of a critically endangered Bornean orangutan here at…

DANCING with the Stars’ Cheryl Burke, who’s been samba-ing solo since eliminating husband Matthew Lawrence two years ago, says she’s learned “you can’t buy love.” The hoofer, 40, filed for divorce from actor Lawrence, 44, after less than three years of marriage. “Obviously, I didn’t buy my ex-husband, but I definitely would say I was the breadwinner,” she spills. “I supported us. It made me feel good, but then it didn’t necessarily make the relationship good.” Even though her quickstep down the aisle wasn’t a winner, she’s ready to rumba once again. “I totally would get married again,” she says. “I mean, I know we should probably go from like meeting somebody first, not like straight to the altar, but our time is limited on this planet.”…

AFTER finally landing the solo gig as Jeopardy quizmaster, insiders say stressed host Ken Jennings is burning out as he pushes himself to the breaking point to please his hard-nosed bosses! Sources snitch the 49-year-old, who previously shared hosting duties with former Big Bang Theory brainiac Mayim Bialik, “is trying too hard and it’s caused recent gaffes that’ve left him red-faced and upset many other people connected with the show,” squeals an insider. “The stress of being host is obviously getting to Ken. He’s flubbing answers and embarrassing himself, and he’s under enormous pressure to bring in ratings. “Jeopardy may be the most popular game show on TV, but bosses want to ensure it stays on top and they’re on him day and night to do better. It’s making him…

AT least one old man in the surprise 1993 hit Grumpy Old Men was REALLY grumpy! Reluctant WALTER MATTHAU had to be talked into taking the role opposite JACK LEMMON — playing ice-fishing Minnesota frenemies — and then he caught pneumonia while the two geezers were filming a fight scene! The comedy joins a roster of successful movies teaming beloved aging stars — including Red (2010), with Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren and John Malkovich as retired CIA operatives called back into action, and Space Cowboys (2000), with Clint Eastwood, Tommy Lee Jones, Donald Sutherland and James Garner as doddering “ex-test pilots” called back into space.…