Table of contents for December 2013 in Reader's Digest

“Only children should wear bangs,” a reader wrote in an otherwise kind letter addressed to me. I decided to be delighted by the comment. It’s in the running to be the title of my future memoir, should I ever write one, and it’s a shoo-in for my work quote of the year. I was inspired by “2013: The Year in Quotes,” on page 72, so I dug up some others: This came from a business associate: “As people are occupying Wall Street, Reader’s Digest speaks to Main Street.” Yes! I keep this front of mind, always. One perplexed subscriber spoke for thousands when he questioned my decision to group all the joke columns into one section: “You wouldn’t put all your salt on one corner of your steak, would you?”…

After waiting two hours for her date, Sarah concluded she’d been stood up. So she changed into pajamas, made some popcorn, and flopped down in front of the TV. Then the doorbell rang—it was her date. He took one look at Sarah and gasped. “You’re still not ready?” One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December. Louis C.K. The Tiniest of Miracles Even the Scrooges amongst us have something to look forward to: ■ When she tells you about her day and goes for the abridged version. ■ Any physical exam where you needn’t remove your underwear. ■ When the waiter doesn’t introduce himself. Excerpted from There Is a God! 1,000…

Without a doubt, the best way to treat a heart attack has been identified: Don’t have one! Each year in the United States, more than 700,000 people suffer a heart attack, and almost 400,000 people die of coronary heart disease (CHD). Preventing heart disease in patients is my main goal, but early detection is the next best thing. This can lead to changes in lifestyle and medical therapies that can delay or deny the onset of a heart attack. Many of my patients are shocked to learn about the following clues to underlying heart disease. 1 ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION (ED): Men have a built-in warning system for silent CHD. When achieving an erection is difficult or impossible, it can be a sign of clogged arteries in the pelvis that presents before…

This recipe comes from Roberta Greenberg, longtime assistant to the rabbis at Temple Emanu-El, a wellknown New York City synagogue. Yields: 10 servings, plus leftovers Active time: 30 minutes Total: 5 hours (plus 2 days for marinating) 1 (4-to 5-lb.) flat-cut beef brisket, untrimmed 1 tbs. kosher salt 2 tsp. garlic powder 1 tsp. freshly ground pepper 1 tsp. paprika 4 large onions, peeled and cut into eighths 2 14-oz. cans jellied cranberry sauce, sliced 1. Sprinkle both sides of brisket with salt, garlic powder, pepper, and paprika. Tightly wrap brisket with plastic wrap. Refrigerate for 1 day. 2. Preheat oven to 500°F. 3. Unwrap brisket and place in roasting pan. Roast for 40 minutes, turning over halfway through. Remove pan from oven, and reduce temperature to 350°F. Place onions…

FROM Harvard Business Review I was running late. My wife, Eleanor, and I had agreed to meet at the restaurant at seven o’clock, and it was already half past. I had a good excuse: A client meeting had run over, and I’d wasted no time getting to the dinner as quickly as possible. When I arrived at the restaurant, I apologized and told my wife I didn’t mean to be late. She answered, “You never mean to be late.” Uh-oh, she was mad. “Sorry,” I retorted. “It was unavoidable.” I told her about the client meeting. Not only did my explanation not soothe her, it seemed to make things worse. And that started to make me angry. Several weeks later, when I described the situation to a friend who is…

When Mike Krahulik and Jerry Holkins founded Child’s Play in 2003, they were known mainly for their popular online comic strip, Penny-Arcade, a sometimes controversial and always hilarious look at gaming culture. Fast-forward ten years, and Child’s Play has raised millions of dollars for sick children in over 80 hospitals worldwide—$5,085,760 in 2012 alone. Now other charities aim to give ill kids a much needed escape to an alternate (and entertaining) universe. We share our favorites and how you can get involved: Hand it to hospitals Here’s a chance to demonstrate your good taste. Select a hospital from a map on Child’s Play’s website and order items directly from an Amazon wish list. By connecting institutions with donors, the charity helps supply video games, movies, and more to entertain youngsters…

1 The clients I dread the most are those who say things like “Do whatever you want” or “I’m pretty easy to work with.” Nine times out of ten, it’s not true. 2 We know you hate the word bleach, so we use words like lightener and decolorizer. But no matter how we prettify the language, if we’re lifting a dark color out of your hair, we’re using bleach. 3 Yes, I keep notes about you on your client card, and they can get pretty personal. I may note that you don’t tip well or that you talked loudly about how drunk you were last night. I may also write down that you’re going through a divorce or that you’re into tennis so I can remember to ask you about…

After cleaning my five-year-old patient’s teeth, I accompanied him to the reception area, only to see him struggle with the oak door. “It’s heavy, isn’t it?” I asked. “Yes,” he said. “Is that so children can’t escape?” Jennifer Sloetjes, Fort McMurray, Canada Eight fellow accountants and I got into the elevator at work, never stopping our discussions about an upcoming meeting. After a minute, a voice from the back interrupted us. “So,” a man said, “how many accountants does it take to press the elevator button?” During graduate school, I tutored a football player in Psychology 101. After the session, my supervising professor asked me if I was interested in the student, since he was a good-looking athlete. “No, I’m not,” I assured him. “Yeah, you probably prefer men who…

YOU ALMOST CAN’T watch or read the news without stumbling on some alarming health crisis. You know the stories—flesh-eating bacteria lying in wait, the latest pandemic that sends you scrambling to Google its symptoms, or the pesticide report that puts the words kale and toxic in the same sound bite. These headlines get your attention, but sometimes the reality is a little less sensational. In actual fact, more common, mundane issues pose greater threats to your well-being. Let’s give six media-hyped health scares a dose of perspective. Fact: Over the past few years, some studies have suggested a possible link between cell phone use and an increased risk of specific types of brain tumors. Cell phones emit radiation, after all, and radiation can cause cancer. But the operative words here…

A American (In)Security The U.S. government is monitoring the phone calls and e-mails of millions of Americans. What can you do about it? Andy Borowitz suggests inserting these phrases into your conversations: • I think the NSA is awesome. • I just reread Nineteen Eighty-Four–it actually has a lot of good ideas in it! • I’m pretty sure my neighbor is cheating on his taxes. B Bieber, Jestin’ While visiting the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam in April, Justin Bieber wrote in the guest book, “Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Belieber.” Funnyordie.com imagined what Beibs might have said about other famous peeps, like Madame Marie Curie: “Gotta give it up. Could not be doing what I’m doing if baby girl hadn’t discovered radios.” He…

FROM Brain, Child Magazine My daughter has a private corner in the living room where grown-ups are forbidden. “The rat hole,” she and I call it. If something is missing, a measuring spoon or my eyelash curler, it can surely be found in the rat hole. She sits there, wedged between the couch and the bookshelf, stockpiling her pirated items, out of the watchful eye of her clean-freak mother. Her collections spread like ivy to her bedroom, where she saves tiny piles of pebbles and seashells, twigs and acorns. Orphaned items find new belonging in Angela’s room, transformed in her four-year-old imagination from their ordinary purposes to something fanciful. A handful of pencils becomes a sword collection. A mixing bowl takes shape as a Jacuzzi for superhero figurines. A broken…

IT WAS A GOOD DAY FOR MARK MIHAL. Early March in Waterloo, Illinois, the first Friday with decent enough weather for golf, and the 43-year-old mortgage banker and his partner, Mike Peters, were beating the pants off their regular opponents, Ed Magaletta and Hank Martinez. Mihal and Peters had both outdriven the other pair on the 14th hole of the Annbriar Golf Course, each landing his ball nicely on the fairway, leaving Magaletta and Martinez down at the edge of the woods trying to clear a bunker. While Mihal was waiting for Peters to hit his second shot, he noticed a shallow, bathtub-size depression in the winter-brown grass of the fairway. It was out of place on the well-kept course, and it looked like it would be hell to play…

Headline from the Times Herald-Record (Newburgh, New York): West Point Cadets Train for Life in Iraq with Weekend in N.J. You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3. Paul F. Crickmore, test pilot Basic flying rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees, and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there. Source: propilots.org Get Paid $100 for a Laugh! The best burst-out-loud funnies come from readers like you. Send us your funny jokes, true stories, and quotes, and if we publish one in a print edition of Reader’s Digest, we’ll pay you $100. To send us your entry,…

Organic Debate Livestock producers and farmers have been battling for years to help the general public understand that local, “wholesome” food—while wonderful for those who can afford it and have access to it—cannot feed our world’s exploding population (not to mention the growing number of poor) (“Food Fight”). Thank you for bringing this discussion to a worldwide audience. Kaye Borchers, Fort Loramie, Ohio In my opinion, the role of chemists and scientists in fast food is to create a kind of addiction to get the consumer to come back for more. It’s scary to think of the behind-the-scenes science that goes into fooling our taste buds. We live in a society of sensory satisfaction, and this industry is proof of it. I applaud RD for allowing opinions from both sides.…

Your knobby knees might make the perfect mountain range for British photographer Carl Warner. In his “Otherscapes” series, Warner snaps multiple shots of a subject’s body and digitally alters and combines the images to create skin sand dunes and leggy landscapes. Now that the work has gone viral, Warner receives countless e-mails from people offering to pose in hopes of getting in on his primal portraits. Confessions of a Flu Virus Whom we love to infect, the surprising places we lurk in your home, and how we make you feel so crummy Think we’re just a cold? Ha! Underestimate us at your peril. Each year on average, we send 200,000 people to the hospital and have a hand in killing at least 23,000 (usually if they also develop complications such…

BRAIN: Dementia Clues in Famous Faces An inability to ID pictures of well-known celebrities such as Princess Diana, JFK, Oprah Winfrey, and Elvis Presley may be a sign of early dementia, according to new research from the Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago. Middle-aged people with early-onset dementia could name only 46 percent of such famous people; healthy adults got them right 93 percent of the time. Researchers believe doctors could use this simple quiz as part of a battery of tests to help diagnose dementia and understand how healthy brains remember familiar things. Source: Tamar Gefen and Emily Rogalski, PhD, Cognitive Neurology and Alzheimer’s Disease Center at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine, Chicago FAMILY: More Siblings, Happier Marriage? If you come from a big family, you…

Chewers 43% Chewers like to take their time chewing and prefer food that does not break up when bitten. NEW SNACK LIGHTER FARE Pineapple Smooshers 16% Smooshers squish foods between the tongue and the roof of the mouth; they’re slow eaters. NEW SNACK LIGHTER FARE Bananas Crunchers 33% Crunchers forcefully bite through food and swallow it quickly. They’re the noisy ones! NEW SNACK LIGHTER FARE Crisp apples Suckers 8% Suckers also like to manipulate food between the tongue and the roof of the mouth but favor hard foods. NEW SNACK LIGHTER FARE Oranges Source: Melissa Jeltema and Jacqueline H. Beckley of the Understanding & Insight Group LLC…

• FROM More Prenuptial agreements aren’t about just money anymore. New York–based attorney Ann-Margaret Carrozza shares some of the craziest clauses she has negotiated: In-law limitation Spouse’s mother may not join couple on any vacation for more than one night. Weight limitations Spouse cannot gain more than 25 pounds (unless within 12 months of giving birth or because of a medical condition). Bedroom schedule Spouse will have sex two to four times per week. TV bans Wife may watch only two reality-TV shows per week; husband may watch no more than two televised sports matches per month.…

For the fourth consecutive year, Google was named the best company to work for by Fortune magazine. Why? Something tells us that the job perks—free gourmet food, on-site laundry, commuting shuttles with Wi-Fi, even five months of maternity leave at full pay and benefits—might have something to do with it. But how does Google pull it off? In the past couple of years, the company has hired social scientists to study the organization. The scientists—part of a group known as the PiLab, short for People & Innovation Lab—run dozens of experiments with employees in an effort to scientifically answer questions about the best way to manage a large firm. “What we try to do is bring the same level of rigor to people decisions as we do to engineering decisions,”…

“If you had a bad day, don’t worry. We all have a reset button—it’s called tomorrow.” Posted by @YourPocketGuru via Twitter “No one ever admits they’re wrong half as loudly as they claim they’re right.” Posted by Profroche via Reddit "Just when you think you know all the words, another one just springs up out of nowhere.” Posted by Ziazan via Reddit “If you want more ice cream, use a smaller spoon.” My grandma, posted by Skno via Reddit “It doesn’t really matter if your glass is half empty or half full. Be thankful that you have a glass and that there’s something in it.” Posted by Marc Chernoff at marcandangel.com “Face your deepest fear and you will see that you have always been more powerful than it ever was.”…

Time of Day While the basics—morning, noon, evening—suffice just fine, this month’s quiz highlights the many ways we can indicate time. Test your knowledge, then see the light of day with the answers on the next page. 1. per diem (per ’dee-em) adv.—A: daily. B: twice a day. C: every other day. 2. noctambulist (nok-’tam-byoo-list) n.—A: early riser. B: sleepwalker. C: one who fears the moon. 3. fortnight (’fort-niyt) n.—A: wee hours. B: two weeks. C: holiday’s eve. 4. soiree (swah-’ray) n.—A: high tea. B: birthday. C: evening party. 5. circadian (sir-’kaydee-en) adj.—A: in sunlight. B: in insect season. C: in 24-hour cycles. 6. ides (’iydz) n.—A: odd hours. B: mid-month days. C: omens at night. 7. adjourn (uh-’jurn) v.—A: wake up. B: exercise. C: call it a day. 8.…

FROM THE BOOK Nurturing Healing Love My last morning with Jesse began like so many others; I woke him up with a song and kissed him until he giggled. It was a beautiful, sunny morning but so cold that my car was coated with a layer of frost. Jesse’s father, Neil, arrived to take Jesse to school. We finalized plans to meet at Jesse’s elementary school the next afternoon. When I turned to kiss Jesse goodbye, I saw that he’d written a note to me in the frost on the passenger-side window and door—I Love You. He stood there smiling up at me. When Neil and Jesse got to school, Neil parked the car and walked with Jesse through the front doors and into the main hallway, where they hugged…

FROM THE BOOK The Most of Nora Ephron I hate my purse. I absolutely hate it. If you’re one of those women who think there’s something great about purses, don’t even bother reading this, because there will be nothing here for you. This is for women who hate their purses, who are bad at purses, who understand that their purses are reflections of negligent housekeeping, hopeless disorganization, a chronic inability to throw anything away, and an ongoing failure to handle the obligations of a demanding and difficult accessory (the obligation, for example, that it should in some way match what you’re wearing). This is for women whose purses are a morass of loose Tic Tacs, solitary Advils, lipsticks without tops, Chap-Sticks of unknown vintage, little bits of tobacco even though…

As soon as you leave Belgrade, you’re transported back in time. The Serbian capital is a modern metropolis, but in the countryside, donkeys still clop along cobblestones, past farmers taking their produce to market. I was here visiting a baker, Zoltan Dani, in 2011. The bakery, in the town of Skorenovac, is in a timeworn building next to the house where Zoltan grew up. When I walked in, I found him, covered in flour and wearing a baker’s hat and apron, stretching dough on a large table. He smiled and hustled over to greet me. I saluted him, stopping him in his tracks. He returned my salute, then we hugged. It could not have felt more natural. He was like my brother, this man who had tried to kill me…

A Modern Guide to Manners Our resident voice of reasons shares advice for the everyday—and the holidays I want to adopt a more low-key approach to the holidays—fewer gifts, less madness. Is there a polite way to tell friends and family? Say you’re taking a break from the excess to celebrate the season, and create a gift-giving plan that suits you. You can’t control what others choose to do, but you can feel good about starting a less-is-more trend. I wasn’t invited to a friend’s New Year’s party. I’m crushed! Can I say something? No. The chance that it’s an oversight does not outweigh the risk that it’s not—in which case everyone will feel icky and you’ll look pathetic. Find something else to do on New Year’s, and keep a…

At an all-you-can-eat buffet, my nine-year-old was excited to find a chocolate milk machine. But her aunt did not approve. “Chocolate milk for dinner?” she asked. “It’s delicious!” said my daughter. Her aunt shrugged. “Well, its 8 a.m. somewhere.” Nichole Vikdal, Yucca Valley, California “If it’s any consolation, he slipped away peacefully.” What’s the 311? In New York City, if you have a complaint or a question, dial the city’s 311 hotline and you might get it solved. We doubt these callers did. ▪ “Who won American Idol?” ▪ “Can you check to see if my boyfriend is married?” ▪ “Can I claim my dog on my income tax?” Source: New York Magazine “Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. “I was going to buy her a…

On a crisp November night two years ago, big-rig truck driver Michael Schiotis, then 44, was cruising on Interstate 380 on his way through Scranton, Pennsylvania, with a load of restaurant equipment. He was making good time. Gradually, though, traffic got heavier, and then it slowed to a crawl. “I thought, There must be a wreck,” says Schiotis, a veteran trucker. After passing the bottleneck, he saw the silhouettes of two people on the side of the highway. “Then a woman came running toward the front of the truck waving her hands frantically,” Schiotis says. He could see blood streaming down her face. He noticed an older man striding quickly toward the woman. Says Schiotis, “His right arm was extended, and he had a gun in his hand.” Afraid for…

Vaccines are the most effective way to prevent infection. But myths about their safety and efficacy still abound, according to the cohosts of the hit television show The Doctors. Here, why you shouldn’t skip your flu shot: Does the flu shot make you sick? One third of the people the folks at The Doctors polled believed it can. But it’s a myth. The shot introduces inactivated viruses into your system. Your body’s antibodies mount a response, so if you encounter the flu, your immune system will be better equipped to fight it. This can trigger mild aches, a low fever, and soreness around the injection site for a couple of days. Don’t mistake these for the flu. Should I delay the vaccine if I’m under the weather? It’s fine if…

Two years ago, I met a man I was instantly attracted to. Eric was funny, kind, brilliant, giving, and easygoing. Eric and I had a lot in common: We both thrived on a fast-paced life in Manhattan, we both had exes, we both had grown children we adored, and we were both at that stage in our lives where we liked the idea of a dog more than the dog. Best of all, it was obvious to me after just a few weeks of dating that Eric, an art appraiser, valued me very highly. As the trees in Central Park started to lose their leaves, I realized that I was falling in love. I sensed that Eric was too. But he was reticent: After two months of serious dating, he…

FROM THE BOOK Devoted The day that 15-year-old Jessica was to testify against the man she said had raped her, the teen arrived at the courtroom early and was joined by Rosie, an 11-yearold golden retriever. The pair took the stand before the trial began so that the jury wouldn’t see Rosie and be influenced by her presence. “Jessica was petting Rosie throughout her testimony,” says David Crenshaw, the clinical director of the Children’s Home of Poughkeepsie, where Jessica was living. “At one point, she took off a shoe and buried her foot in Rosie’s fur.” When the prosecutor asked Jessica if the man who had raped her was in the courtroom, she froze. Then Rosie put her head in Jessica’s lap, and Jessica was able to lift her hand…

The scooter that just didn’t catch on The Segway may have debuted to great fanfare (Steve Jobs predicted it would be “as big a deal as the PC”), but this self-balancing electric scooter is now considered little more than a novelty. You may see tourists zipping around on them in major cities, but sales never took off. To compound the sting of Segway’s lackluster performance, in 2010, James W. Heselden, the British businessman who owned Segway, fell to his death from a cliff when his scooter malfunctioned during a tour of his estate. The tweet that rocked the stock market In April, a false tweet posted on the Twitter account run by the Associated Press sent stock markets plummeting within seconds. Hackers had taken over the newswire’s official account and…

1 Hide Your Cookies And we don’t mean Santa’s. Companies track online cookies to target shoppers with relevant ads, but browsing histories also reveal buyers’ budgets. If you’ve visited luxury sites, your search results may include merchandise that’s priced four times higher than it is at savingsoriented ones. Stick to budget-friendly sites to bump into prices 23 percent lower. 2 Track Prices Automatically You don’t want to buy that expensive camera for your niece only to find it for half the price at a different site a week later. So check out PriceBlink, a free Web browser add-on that automatically scans more than 4,000 retailers as you shop and lists competitors’ prices. The result: Shoppers save about 17 percent on purchases. Another bonus is that the program lets you name…

To understand why terms like butterscotch and bread pudding sound particularly rich and heavy, researchers at New York University asked for test subjects’ opinions of the hypothetical ice cream flavors frish and frosh. Without ever having tasted either, people rated the frosh ice cream as smoother and creamier than the frish. Why? Because of what linguists call sound symbolism, in which vowel sounds generated in different areas of the mouth influence how we think about a word. In many languages, front vowels (like e and i) indicate small, light things (like little or itsy-bitsy), while back vowels (o and u) convey big things (like humongous and gargantuan). According to a theory called the Frequency Code, front vowels have a higher pitch, and we have learned to associate them with small…

“Please put the harps back in the closet.” Jean Becker, aide to former president George H. W. Bush, after the president was admitted to a Houston hospital for complications from bronchitis “I’m a flawed character.” Lance Armstrong, admitting in a TV interview that he used performance-enhancing drugs to win seven Tour de France titles “It’s stupidity. But you can’t arrest somebody for being stupid.” Fred Abdalla, sheriff of Jefferson County, Ohio, explaining why he didn’t arrest the teens who witnessed the Steubenville rape “It’s wonderful to see you in good health and combative as ever.” Arizona Republican Sen. John McCain to Hillary Clinton, in a hearing about the attack on the U.S. consulate in Libya a month after she had fainted from dehydration “The administration does not support blowing up…

PERHAPS YOU THINK YOU could easily add to your happiness if you had more money. Strange as it may seem, if you’re unsatisfied, the issue is not a lack of means to gratify your desires but a lack of desires—not that you cannot satisfy your tastes but that you don’t have enough tastes. Innumerable poor wretches have nothing but money. If you are a careful observer, you will see that real riches consist of well-developed and hearty capacities to enjoy life. Most people are already swamped with things. They eat too much, wear too much, go too much, live in too big a house, hear too much, and talk too much. I know people who live in houses of brick and stone where there are too many rooms, yet their…

The BUBBLE WRAP SUIT is perfect for my clumsy nephew. Go ahead, Brandon, fall down that elevator shaft again! $14.99, thinkgeek.com My sister Diane is always the most refined person at Steelers tailgate parties. So for her, the RED SOLO CUP SET: two wineglasses made from plastic cups atop glass bases. Stay classy, Sis. $14.96 per pair, amazon.com Why’d the chicken cross the road? To get to the bathroom. With CHICKEN DIAPERS, my pet rooster can wander wherever he likes. $20.95, amazon.com THE NOSE STRAIGHTENER is going to my uncle Paul, who answered honestly when his wife asked, “Do I look heavier now than when we first met?” $48, japantrendshop.com I’m buying SNOWTIME ANYTIME SNOWBALLS for my brother, Dean, who likes to pelt me with snowballs but doesn’t like the…

FROM THE BOOK Thinking in Numbers Outside it is cold, cold. Ten degrees below, give or take. I step out with my coat zipped up to my chin and my feet encased in heavy rubber boots. The glittering street is empty; the wool-gray sky is low. Under my scarf and gloves and thermals I can feel my pulse begin to make a racket. I do not care. I wait. A week before, the trees’ bare branches stood clean against blue sky. Now the sight of falling snowflakes makes me shiver; it fills the space in my head that is devoted to wonder. How beautiful they are, I think. When will they stop? In an hour? A day? A month? The neighbors, who’ve lived in Ottawa far longer than I, tell…

RECENTBITSFROMRD.COM *Learn something new every day! Get the full stories at rd.com/december. 1ROMANTIC WORDS WE CANNOT TRANSLATE Sometimes love defies all language; other times, just English—like cafuné, the Brazilian Portuguese term for running your fingers through someone’s hair. 2 SUPER SEEDS YOU SHOULD BE EATING Don’t judge a food by its size. Sprinkle chia, hemp, pumpkin, flax, and sunflower seeds onto your meals for essential nutrients like protein, fiber, iron, and omega-3 fatty acids. 3OMG, IDK WD-40, CVS, and M&M’s: These common acronyms had us scratching our heads when we tried to guess what they stood for. Do you know? Water Displacement–40th formula; Consumer Value Stores; and Mars & Murrie’s, the last names of the candy’s co-owners. Yes, this is what the Internet is really for. That, and cute cat…