Table of contents for April 2016 in Reader's Digest

WHEN MY FATHER was diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer, our family was desperate to track down why. The Ludlows didn’t get cancer. We had zero family history. And besides, we’d all expected an affliction of the lung to do him in. He smoked two packs of unfiltered Lucky Strikes a day for 40-plus years. His oncologist said Dad perfectly matched the profile of the typical stomach cancer patient: 71 years old, male, A positive blood type. The Mayo Clinic website fingered his diet, which was high in salty, smoked, and pickled foods and relatively low in fresh produce. But something else gnawed at me. It was our lawn. As a longtime health journalist, I questioned the 50 years of pesticides Dad had sprayed on our suburban grass. I can picture…

IN JANUARY 2014, when Luigi Quintos, 54, held his newborn grandson, Ayden, for the first time, the baby weighed just over a pound. Ayden had been born two months premature, and doctors thought he might not make it. Devastated, Luigi turned to art to calm himself. He had been drawing portraits of people off and on since grade school. This time, Luigi drew a graphite portrait of Ayden with his parents— Luigi’s son and daughter-in-law— gazing down at him. “It was my way of making sure they’d always be together,” he says. After five months in intensive care, Ayden pulled through. Buoyed by the good news, Luigi set up a Facebook page, Priceless Images, where he offered to draw portraits of other kids who were sick or had died. “I…

THE OPPOSITE of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference. ELIE WIESEL, humani tarian, in U.S. News & World Report PEOPLE ARE less quick to applaud you as you grow older. Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there. SLOANE CROSLEY, wri ter, from her book I Was Told There’d Be Cake IN THE END, it cannot be doubted that each of us can see only a part of the picture. The doctor sees one, the patient another, the engineer a third, the economist a fourth, the pearl diver a fifth, the alcoholic a sixth,…

In February 2014, U.S. district court judge Hilda Tagle agreed with Hines that he might very well have a First Amendment claim: “[H]e provided advice to pet owners over the Internet and … the professional regulations at issue in this case have prevented him from engaging in that speech.” Two months later, the state board appealed to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit in New Orleans. The judges ruled that the Texas law imposes a standard of care but has nothing to do with free speech: “It does not … require veterinarians to deliver any particular message.” The trouble, according to Rowes, is that circuit courts across the country have ruled differently on similar questions about the lines between speech and conduct, which is why, in June…

Are you of the opinion your children are acing school? Well, check out some of their test answers. Q: Use the word congenial in a sentence. A: When you leave the gravy out too long, it congenials. Q: The first thing Queen Elizabeth II did upon ascending the throne was to … A: Sit down. Q: Write a sentence containing a double negative. A: Mike is ugly and he smells. Q: Name two plays by Shakespeare. A: Romeo and Juliet Q: On what grounds was Aaron Burr tried for treason? A: New York Q: Write about the importance of animals in Of Mice and Men. A: The mice are very important— without them, you’d have only the men. Q: Use the word doldrums in a sentence. A: I cannot play…

MY TWO-YEAR-OLD daughter, Claudia, is usually easygoing by toddler standards—except in the mornings when she demands to strip off all her clothes and don nothing but a fitted dinosaur sheet. Last spring, it was precisely her determination to transform household items (dishrags, washcloths, even Chinese-takeout napkins) into eveningwear that rocketed Claudia to Internet fame. It was early April, and we had for once negotiated her into a dress-dress and escorted her to the White House to have her picture taken with the president before the annual Passover seder. Claudia, however, didn’t want to be in the White House, whatever that was. She wanted to be in her bedroom, emptying out the drawers of her changing table in search of more sheets. “I take off my shoes,” she told me. “No,…

DURING A ROUTINE exam after Martha Bowes turned 60, her doctor found that her carotid arteries, large vessels in the neck that supply blood to the brain, were obstructed with plaque. Because she felt fine, Bowes didn’t obsess over it—until she found herself in the office of a surgeon. The doctor had completed a procedure on her husband, and the couple were returning for a followup. As the visit wrapped up, the doctor asked Bowes about her carotid arteries (worried, her husband had mentioned the obstruction). No doubt, Bowes needed an operation, the surgeon said. From his description, Martha got the impression that it would be as quick and simple as a tonsillectomy. “We go in, make an incision on your neck, and we just clean that [plaque] out,” she…

Early Signs of Heart Trouble There may be telltale symptoms the month before a sudden cardiac arrest. In a new Annals of Internal Medicine study, researchers tracked 840 patients who experienced cardiac arrest (an electrical malfunction of the heart). Fifty percent of men and 53 percent of women experienced warning signs, such as chest pain and shortness of breath, in the weeks before. More than nine in ten patients reported symptoms resurfacing 24 hours before the cardiac arrest— but only 19 percent called 911 with the onset of symptoms. Green Light to Shower After Surgery Doctors typically advise against getting surgical wounds wet to prevent infection until stitches are removed, which can take days or weeks. In a new study, researchers recruited 444 patients with low-risk surgical wounds. Half showered…

HOBBYISTS TRAFFIC CONES David Morgan’s collection is the envy of all Department of Transportation groupies. Since 1986, the 72-yearold Brit has gathered 500 traffic cones, including one he says is from Malaysia. “Some people probably think it’s dull,” he told Britain’s Daily Mirror. “If I go to dinner parties and tell people I’m a cone collector, they quickly move on.” Source: mirror.co.uk AUTOGRAPHS Big deal—a lot of people collect autographs. What sets Paul Schmelzer’s collection apart is that Schmelzer asks celebrities to sign his name, not theirs. That’s right: He goes up to the rich and famous and says, “May I have my autograph?” Seventy celebrities have signed Paul Schmelzer, including Yoko Ono, film director Peter Bogdanovich, and the voice of Homer Simpson, actor Dan Castellaneta. Robert Redford and James…

When I saw my parents’ white car, packed with my belongings, pull up in front of my friend Brianna’s house in September 2010, when I was 15, I thought they were taking me to visit my grandparents. They had kicked me out of the house about a month ago, when I had told them I was gay. I’d been staying wi t h Brianna* ever since. My family is Mormon, and there’s no place in Mormonism for girls who like girls. Gay people can’t get married in the temple, and they don’t go to heaven. “You’ll be staying with your grandparents for a couple of weeks,” my father said when I met them in the driveway. “So we can figure out what to do.” I got into the backseat of…

1. pallet ('pa-luht) n.—A: roof of the mouth. B: painter’s board. C: makeshift bed or portable platform. 2. sophomoric (sahf-'mor-ik) adj.—A: philosophical. B: immature. C: inducing sleep. 3. secede (sih-'seed) v.—A: achieve one’s goals. B: withdraw. C: come next after. 4. accede (ak-'seed) v.—A: surpass or overcome. B: agree. C: manage to reach. 5. jalousie ('ja-luh-see) n.— A: window blind. B: envy. C: dilapidated car. 6. prevalent ('pre-vuh-luhnt) adj.—A: widespread. B: first in line. C: seeing the future. 7. imminent ('ih-muh-nuhnt) adj.— A: outstanding. B: about to happen. C: inborn. 8. collegial (kuh-'lee-jee-uhl) adj.— A: very courteous. B: relating to a college. C: marked by camaraderie among colleagues. 9. bellwether ('bel-'we-thur) n.— A: trend leader. B: church spire. C: balmy conditions. 10. aural ('or-uhl) adj.—A: of the ears. B: of…

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HERO AND A COWARD IS ONE STEP SIDEWAYS. GENE HACKMAN, actor Tomorrow belongs to those who can hear it coming. DAVID BOWIE, musician Not sure which is harder on a relationship: sharing a dresser for three years or sharing an iPhone charger for one day. RHEA BUTCHER, comedian AT EVERY MOMENT, WE ARE VOLUNTEERS. STEPHEN COLBERT, TV personality Instant gratification takes too long. CARRIE FISHER, actress and writer Tupac was one of the biggest thugs I know, and he always wore his seat belt. ICE CUBE, rapper and producer LIFE IS ALWAYS GOING TO BE STRANGER THAN FICTION, BECAUSE FICTION HAS TO BE CONVINCING, AND LIFE DOESN’T. NEIL GAIMAN, author…

50 Secrets Hospitals Won’t Tell You Item 42 suggests it’s not necessary to abstain from eating or drinking as of midnight the day before your surgery. While this is correct, I implore readers to follow the guidelines set by the surgeon. If one fails to follow guidelines, regardless of what current studies show, the anesthesia group may elect to cancel or postpone your surgery. Surgeries may also start earlier than planned due to cancellations or procedures going more quickly than anticipated. DAVID SCHWABACHER, RN, CNOR, Springfield, Illinois Everyday Heroes Bravo to Lancaster High School! A far better lesson than a textbook could offer. I am proud of you all. RHONDA LEET, DePere, Wisconsin Photo of Lasting Interest I loved your photo of the Beatles on The Ed Sullivan Show. Seventy-three million fans…

NAME: Ernest Hemingway POSITION: Staff writer WHAT HAS BEEN GOING WELL? EMPLOYEE: The days are long, the work is shallow, and the only piece of mine that went “viral” this year was “27 Kick-Butt Things You Learn When You Catch a Marlin.” MANAGER’S COMMENTS: Though “27 Kick-Butt Things You Learn When You Catch a Marlin” was an unexpected triumph, Ernest isn’t working to the standard achieved by other BuzzFeed writers. His “18 Things You Know Only If You’re Ernest Hemingway” is our lowest-performing piece of content since we launched nine years ago; 202 people have read it, and I know that three of these were Ernest on different devices. Only 612 have read “Buy My Novel For Whom the Bell Tolls,” and most of this traffic came from Japan as…

WRONG NUMBER I answered a ringing pay phone—a call meant for another. I was enamored by the angelic voice of the girl on the other end of the line, and we spoke for what seemed like hours. She was from Iowa, I from Florida, and I was spending the summer in New Mexico’s mountains. I immediately knew that I wanted to know more about her. We exchanged letters and became pen pals. Six months later, I traveled to the Midwest to meet my mystery girl. It was love at first sight. In September, we will celebrate our 30th anniversary. RANDY ARONSON, Cooper City, Florida A MOTHER’S SERVICE When I returned from a tour in Iraq, getting back into a routine was a challenge. I tried to jump into things as if…

FROM THE BOOK THE BIG FAT TRUTH THE NIGHT BEFORE the first winner of The Biggest Loser was announced, the guy in the lead— his name was Gary—went out for a healthy dinner with his family, shared some laughs, talked about what he’d accomplished, and went to sleep. Gary’s closest competitor worked out, pushing hard to the bitter end. He beat Gary by one pound. That one pound cost Gary $250,000. When I saw Gary many years later, he was still thin and healthy—but the winner had put all his weight back on. Competition is the premise behind The Biggest Loser, so people motivated by beating others often get the cash. But the real winners are those whose reasons for losing weight evolve into something deeper. Gary was very upset…

Popsicles: CATCH DRIPS Thread the bottom of an ice-pop stick through a cupcake liner. As it rests below the ice pop, the liner will catch any drips before they reach fingers (especially helpful for kids). Watermelon: RETHINK SLICES A triangular piece of watermelon is a recipe for sticky cheeks. Instead, lay a slice flat with the point facing away from you, then cut off the bottom two corners of the rind. Hold the remaining piece of rind on the bottom as you eat your fruit mess-free. PB&J: MOAT THE JELLY To keep jelly from drizzling out, spread a layer of peanut butter on the bread first. Add an extra layer around the bread’s edges (to act as a square barrier), and place jelly neatly inside. Cupcake: MAKE A SANDWICH Victim…

IF YOU: Love Interval Training You may be less resistant to insulin. Type 2 diabetics who did three short bursts of highintensity exercise daily had bigger drops in blood sugar than those who did one low-intensity cardio session. IF YOU: Stroll During Lunch You’ll be more resistant to stress. In a U.K. study, participants who walked for 30 minutes three days a week for ten weeks felt more relaxed and less tense at work on days they walked. IF YOU: Frequently Strength Train You may boast a flatter belly. Researchers at Harvard found that people who lifted weights for 20 or more minutes daily had less belly fat than those who did the same amount of cardio. IF YOU: Do Cardio in the Morning You may get better z’s. An…

BEFORE GOOGLE, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries: ■ A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.” ■ “Who built the English Channel?” ■ “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?” ■ “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley Temple doll and a teddy bear.” ■ “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?” I GUESS THIS IS WHAT happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!” G. M., via e-mail I SUPERVISED AN EMPLOYEE who had a negative view of everything I…

THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE A DIFFERENCE in your life come in all types. Some write on a chalkboard. Some wear a sports uniform. Some wear a suit and tie. For me, that person wore a tie with a Pizza Hut logo on it. I started working at Pizza Hut in December 1989, when I was a freshman in high school. Parents in my small western Colorado town encouraged teenagers to work in the service industry after school and on weekends. It kept us out of trouble. Having a job also kept me out of the house. I grew up mostly with my mother, and I never knew my father. My younger sister, my younger brother, and I went through a series of stepfathers. My relationships with those men were almost…

ON AN OCTOBER afternoon last year, James Vernon, 76, was supervising a youth chess club meeting in a conference room in the Morton Public Library in Morton, Illinois. About 16 kids, ages seven to 12, quietly faced off at two horizontal rows of tables, and James walked from pair to pair, overseeing the matches and offering tips. Four mothers sat off to the side, waiting for their kids to finish the weekly hour-long session. Suddenly, a stocky teenager wearing glasses burst through the door at the front of the room. “I’m gonna kill some people!” he yelled. At first, James, who was standing in the aisle between the tables, thought the bizarre sight was a Halloween prank, but then he saw the five-inch hunting knives that the teenager was holding…

THERE WAS SOMETHING in the elderly woman’s demeanor that caught my eye. Although slow and unsure of step, the woman moved with deliberation, and there was no hesitation in her gestures. She was as good as anyone else, her movements suggested. And she had a job to do. It was a few years ago, and I had taken a part-time holiday-season job in a video store at the local shopping mall. From inside the store, I’d begun to see the people rushing by outside in the mall’s concourse as a river of humanity, occasionally ebbing during odd hours but mostly overflowing in the deluge. The elderly woman had washed up on my retail beachhead, along with a younger woman who I guessed was her daughter. The daughter was displaying a…

IN 2002, A DISABILITY forced veterinarian Ronald Hines, who lives in Texas, to give up his practice after more than 30 years. In his retirement, he started a website, 2ndchance.info, to post general articles about pet health and care. Soon he was inundated with e-mails from pet owners all over the world—many without access to a veterinarian or the means to pay one—asking for his guidance. In 2003, he began charging for his service, which he offered by e-mail or phone. By 2011, he was charging a flat fee of $58 and, that year, grossed nearly $2,800. However, on March 19, 2012, Hines received notification from the Texas State Board of Veterinary Medical Examiners that he was breaking the law. It turned out he was in violation of a statute…

I ONCE GAVE MY HUSBAND the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” BONNIE MCFARLANE, from You’re Better Than Me (Ecco) AS THE HOSTESS at the casino buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband, who would be joining me momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly ...” She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.” ROSALIE DARIA, Cincinnati, Ohio WHILE HOSTING A GARAGE SALE, I asked a man if he was looking for anything in particular. “Yes,” he said. “Place mats the color of grape jelly.” H. T. GIBBONS, Santa Fe, New Mexico…

A Paper Cut Between Your Fingers TRY: “BUDDY TAPING” YOUR DIGITS Paper cuts heal more quickly and with less infection risk (germy hands!) if you keep them covered. “But webbing between fingers is a tough spot because of all the stretching and movement,” says Matthew Fink, MD, a professor of clinical neurology at Weill Cornell Medical College in New York City. Solution: Buddy tape fingers together using paper or cloth first aid tape—snug but not too tightly—for a couple of days or until the cut heals. Scorched Mouth TRY: GUZZLING COLD LOWFAT OR WHOLE MILK Melted cheese from piping-hot pizza or nachos can stick to your tongue and the roof of your mouth, causing burns and blisters. Drink cold milk to soothe the pain, suggests Kim Harms, DDS, a spokesperson…

Reader’s Digest thoroughly vetted these genius tricks so you can finish chores, make repairs, and clean messes in a breeze—using common items you already own. EVERYDAY CLEANING HACKS 1 Aluminum foil scrubs pots clean. No scrub pad? Use aluminum foil as a temporary replacement. Crumple a handful and scour to polish stainless steel pots (foil may damage nonstick pots). 2 Kool-Aid unclogs a dishwasher. Soap scum can block pipes in dishwashers, causing the machines to not drain properly or even break down. Before you pay a plumber, pour Kool-Aid mix into the detergent dish and run a regular cycle with the machine empty. (Any color is generally fine, but if the thought of adding red powder to a white machine makes you shudder, stick to lighter shades.) The Kool-Aid’s citric…

I was super looking forward to having a newborn baby because some friends had said they had a really great experience. Calling this a disappointment is an understatement. Long, grueling hours and tons of hidden costs and fees. Planned ahead but still had an extremely long wait (over nine months). Unacceptable. Then came the birthing process. First off, gross. There’s a good reason the brochures don’t show you how the baby gets out of your body. Also painful! I feel like there was zero attention to detail when this whole process was designed. THIS WAS A TOTAL OUTRAGE. If I wanted to live with something whiny that did nothing but eat, sleep, and poop, I wouldn’t have kicked out my last Craigslist roommate. Already had one of these but decided…

1. Get tested. “Spending money on fertilizer without a soil test is just guessing,” says Paul Tukey. Good soil is key to a great lawn, and a soil test can tell you what’s in the dirt and what’s missing. For a test, call your county extension office (a national network of agriculture experts). 2. Plant clover with your grass. Clover competes with weeds and fixes nitrogen in the soil. John Bochert, a lawn and garden specialist in York, Maine, recommends a seed mix of white clover, perennial rye (it germinates quickly), fescue, and bluegrass. 3. Mow high, and leave the clippings. Taller grass provides more leaf for photosynthesis, develops deeper roots, and resists weeds. The clippings act as fertilizer. “Lawns mowed at four inches are the most weed-free,” Tukey says.…

WHAT’S IN A NAME? What idiot called it dad bod and not father figure? @TPOPE (TIM POPE) What idiot called it a flyswatter and not a splatula? @MIKECANRANT What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater? @SAMGRITTNER If you were Minnie Driver and you didn’t drive a Mini Cooper and call yourself Mini Driver, then what is even the point of you? @PEACHCOFFIN (PAIGE) An armadillo? Wait, you mean highway lobster? @BEERBATTERBEARD (TYLER) The Allman Brothers couldn’t have had a woman in the band for two reasons. @EWFEEZ (ROBO-SAURUS) We have Fox News in Canada. It’s not a network; it’s a hunting magazine. PHIL HANLEY…

THE E-MAIL was signed “Regards, His Excellency. President Kevin Baugh, Republic of Molossia.” Come again? No, you’re not forgetting your ex–Soviet bloc geography. Molossia is not on any world map. But what does exist—“everything a country has,” Baugh asserted earlier in his missive, “a bank, a post office, a railroad, and an active navy”—you’ll find on a dusty, sagebrush-pocked sliver of Nevada desert. It’s a “sovereign, independent nation” as far as His Excellency is concerned and a bizarre lark to most anyone else. Welcome to the world of micronations, where anyone can be a benevolent dictator. Micro-What? By definition, a micronation is any entity—physical or virtual—that purports to be a sovereign state but, you know, actually isn’t. The very first micronation, the Upware Republic Society, was a literary group of…