Table of contents for March 2016 in Reader's Digest

THE LUDLOWS WERE HILARIOUS. I remember all the laughing we did around the dinner table back in the day. There was the running gag about the digestive impossibility of the cube steak, the giggles about a boyfriend nicknamed Crash, and the howls—tears, even—over any story that starred my dad’s boss, whom he called Tigger. My mother must have discovered and misinterpreted the cube steak, a weekly staple, in some ’70s women’s magazine. Our efforts to hide our pasty cube steak cud sent all four of us into fits of hysteria. Crash was so named by my parents because the poor pimply-faced kid had once revealed that he wanted to be a stuntman when he grew up. Picture him jumping off our garage, my dad would say. Picture the helmet. Tigger…

FROM TEXAS MONTHLY MY HUSBAND AND I are sitting across the table from our daughter, Teal, and her fiancé, Bennett. Around us, the restaurant is bustling, but this will be the last calm moment the four of us will have together for a while. Bennett’s family will arrive in Austin the next night, followed by 180 of the couple’s friends for their wedding on Saturday. Bennett leans forward. “Is there any advice you can give the two of us about marriage?” he asks. He and Teal look at my husband and me expectantly. Teal is our firstborn, strong-willed and charming. She and Bennett met and fell in love four years ago. They are both 32, smart, and ambitious, and they fit so beautifully together, bantering constantly like a ’30s screwball…

SPLIT ON DEMAND In July of 1969, I was wounded in Vietnam and transported to the Army hospital in Tokyo. While under the fog of sedation, I remember a lady approached me and asked if there was anything I wanted. For some reason, I responded, “I would love a banana split!” When I got out of surgery, a nurse came over to me with a banana split. I asked her what it was all about. She said, “You told Secretary of Defense Melvin Laird’s wife that this is what you wanted!” WINFRED PHILLIPS, Chattanooga, Tennessee PENNY FOR A THOUGHT The night before a new job, I drove along terrified and totally unprepared, certain I would fail my pregnant wife. As I was stopped at an off-ramp, a homeless man approached me,…

• OUTSMART ONIONS To avoid crying when chopping, wash an onion, trim its ends, and microwave for 30 seconds before cutting. You tear up because the knife damages the onion’s cells, releasing sulfuric gas that irritates the eyes. Heating the onion first breaks apart enzymes that trigger the gas release. • COOK CRISPIER BACON Place a bowl upside down on a plate. Drape bacon strips over the bowl, then microwave for one minute for each slice of bacon you are heating. As grease drips onto the plate, the bacon will get mouthwateringly crispy. • FROTH MILK Skip the expensive cappuccino machine. Pour milk into a Mason jar, no more than half full (to leave room for foam). Screw on the lid, and vigorously shake for 30 to 60 seconds. The…

LIKE MANY WOMEN, Katherine Trent* of Austin, Texas, had to deal with an occasional urinary tract infection (UTI) when she was younger. Symptoms were obvious (pain, burning, and a persistent need to urinate) and easy enough to clear up with antibiotics. But once Trent entered her late 60s, the sporadic UTIs of her earlier years suddenly returned—and wouldn’t go away. Within a few days of one infection easing, another round of symptoms would start. This cycle continued, getting progressively worse over the course of five years. “I could tell when one was coming on. My bladder would feel irritated. I went to the bathroom frequently, and it was painful. If I couldn’t get to a doctor or a walk-in clinic within 24 hours, I would sometimes see blood in my…

1 BALANCE ON ONE LEG Hold for up to 60 seconds. If you wobble early, you may be at higher risk for brain decline. In a Japanese study, 30 percent of older adults who could balance for only 20 seconds or fewer had microbleeds in the brain, an early indication of risk for stroke or dementia. These microbleeds can affect balance, memory, and decision making. 2 TOUCH YOUR TOES Sit with your spine straight, then lean forward and try to touch your toes. Not even close? You might be at risk for cardiovascular problems. By using this test, University of North Texas researchers found that inflexible folks had less-elastic arteries than those who were more lithe. Stiff arteries mean the heart has to work harder, raising the risk of heart…

THE OPTIMIST Thinking of asking the boss for a raise? Heed this lesson from Dilbert. From Optimism Sounds Exhausting (Andrews McMeel) by Scott Adams A WOMAN CALLED our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!” From gcfl.net JUST BEFORE the final exam in my college finance class, a less-thanstellar student approached me. “Can you tell me what grade I would need to get on the exam to pass the course?” he asked. I gave…

EVERY SATURDAY MORNING, when I was a little girl, my sisters and I went to the San Francisco Conservatory of Music for what we called Saturday classes: piano lessons, theory, music history— serious classical music training for serious little musicians. After we got home, we had a ritual. We’d get out our “dress-up” from the vintage steamer trunk that housed a collection of my mother’s 1960s party dresses and my grandmother’s furs, go through my parents’ record collection—the Beatles, Sinatra, Charles Aznavour, Nat King Cole, Billie Holiday—and dance around the living room. The Billie Holiday records stopped me in my tracks. I was enthralled by Lady Day, her dark eyes shaded by a white gardenia, her world-worn voice, and the mood and phrasing, line and color that she brought to…

Miraculous Christmas Stories I can’t begin to express the emotions that swept through me when I finished the last of these stories. From laughter to tears and then disappointment when the stories were over so soon! You did an outstanding job picking them. Thank you for continuing to publish such a great magazine. STEVEN KLUNK, La Plata, Maryland The Real 12 Days of Christmas I was laughing and smiling through each of Colin Nissan’s descriptions. Loved, loved, loved the whole article. I’m definitely going to keep this for future reading. Thanks for making my morning a joyous one. DIANA ROSA-MARTIR, North Wales, Pennsylvania “The Real 12 Days of Christmas” had me laughing so hard, I was crying. Reader’s Digest has been a gift subscription from my father-in-law for more than 15 years…

Great Work-Home Ratio Laid-Back Company Allows Employees to Work from Home After 6 p.m. GRESHAM, OR—Underscoring the benefits of working for a laid-back company like SocialFire Marketing, founder and CEO Matt Avalon told reporters Tuesday he had instituted an officewide policy permitting employees to work from home anytime after 6 p.m. “If it helps them be efficient and get more done, I have no problem with people working remotely once they’ve left the office for the day,” said Avalon. “That’s the kind of relaxed culture we strive to create here—one where you can even be working from your living room couch at two in the morning if you’d like.” Avalon added that employees are free to work from home on weekends and holidays as well. Sympathetic Coworkers Helpful Colleagues Advise…

THE CALLS to Araceli King’s cell phone started on July 3, 2013. Every time, a prerecorded message from Time Warner Cable (TWC) asked to speak to “Luiz Perez.” If King didn’t answer the call, the company left a computerized message for Perez. King didn’t know anyone named Luiz Perez, but there were no interactive options given in the messages to opt out of the calls. So they kept coming. From July to October, King received ten calls from TWC, all using the company’s interactive voice response (IVR) system. King, a resident of El Paso, Texas, had given TWC her cell number in connection with her account and had consented to its terms of service, which included using “automated dialing systems or artificial or recorded voices to call you.” However, TWC…

Artichokes SWEETEN WATER A chemical in the vegetable called cynarin latches on to sweet receptors on your tongue without activating them. If you drink water after eating artichokes, the cynarin molecules wash away from the receptors. This sudden release simulates a sensation of sweetness, though it’s only a phantom taste. Yogurt HAMPERS CHOCOLATE Yogurt has an acidic pH (4), and when basic chocolate compounds enter this acidic environment, they dissolve and lose their characteristic flavor. The same loss in taste occurs if you bite into chocolate after eating yogurt—though your saliva’s pH slightly buffers the effect. Salt BLOCKS GRAPEFRUIT’S TARTNESS It may sound unpalatable, but salting grapefruit sweetens it. The fruit has both bitter and sweet compounds. Salt blocks the bitter compounds, allowing sweet flavors to be more detectable. Pine…

• Boost good bacteria. Small studies have found that women with repeat UTIs are less likely to get another if they use vaginal suppositories with the probiotic lactobacillus, which balances good and bad bacteria. • Drink cranberry juice. In a 2012 meta-analysis, cranberry juice and supplements reduced repeat UTIs. • Wipe the way Mom taught you. The most common UTI-causing germs are E. coli bacteria from the gastrointestinal tract, so wipe from front to back to avoid moving the bugs closer to your urinary tract. • Excuse yourself after intercourse. Peeing after sex gives bacteria less chance to enter the urinary tract. • Drink lots of water. When you urinate, bacteria are flushed from the urinary tract, so drink enough to go regularly, especially if you have incontinence. Those prone…

I am here to announce my application for the position of line cook at this McDonald’s location. Let me take a moment to introduce myself. First and foremost, I am a fast-food outsider: I have never set foot in one of these places. What that means is, I won’t accept business as usual. I will ask questions. Why do we need to empty the grease trap? How does the cash register work? What is the maximum holding time for a pan of chicken patties? What I bring to the table is a commonsense, home cook’s approach to making hamburgers. We don’t need volumes of market research to tell us how to cook a Big Mac. All we need is a hot griddle and old-fashioned American knowhow. Also, we will eventually…

Papi, Beverly Hills Chihuahua Father Time has not been kind to this jalapeño-size actor. Papi was snapped alone and leashless by the “Papirazzi” as he left a Lakers game. From: thehiggsweldon.com Babe Rumors of the lovable hog’s having gone to pot are true! The porker would be wise to step away from the trough. Budweiser “Lost” Puppy This pup’s natural good looks shine through even behind bars, which is where he landed after a spat with former best friend Budweiser Clydesdale. SpongeBob SquarePants The public soaked up the sight of this subaquatic superstar wearing no makeup … or pants! ... as seen in this hacked photo from his cell phone.…

LITERARY LAUGHS I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody ...” DEMETRI MARTIN Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if a raven flew into my house. That poem still holds up. @SEANWHITECOMEDY (SEAN GILBERT WHITE) If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works? @BRIDGER_W (BRIDGER WINEGAR) I used to love correcting people’s grammar until I realized what I loved more was having friends. @MARAWRITESSTUFF (MARA WILSON) We get it, poets: Things are like other things. @SHUTUPMIKEGINN (MIKE GINN) Starting a cover band called A Book so no one can judge us. @DAEMONIC3 (TERRY F.) Been reading up…

HELP WANTED NEEDED: SOMEONE WHO WILL ANSWER THE PHONE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. New York City’s Department of Health may have a job opening soon if one of its employees doesn’t stop screwing around. It seems that management does not care for the fact that the twice-suspended help-line operator keeps answering IT calls by talking like a robot. Source: New York CAN YOU PASS A SIMPLE TEST? An Egyptian bus driver had an ingenious plan to beat a mandatory drug test: He used his wife’s urine. Nevertheless, he failed the test. He found out when his boss handed him the results and reportedly said, “Congratulations; you’re pregnant.” Source: BBC News LOOKING FOR A HOUSE SITTER WHO WILL ACTUALLY WATCH THE HOUSE. A San Francisco couple got quite the surprise when…

1. verbatim (ver-'bay-tuhm) adv.— A: slowly and carefully. B: without stopping. C: word for word. 2. mea culpa (may-uh 'kul-puh) n.— A: congratulations. B: acknowledgment of fault. C: wavering decision. 3. bona fide ('boh-nuh fiyd) adj.— A: genuine. B: secret. C: at home. 4. non sequitur (nahn-'seh-kwuhtuhr) n.—A: odd man out. B: comment that doesn’t follow logically. C: failure to obey. 5. ad infinitum (ad in-fuh-'niy-tuhm) adv.—A: imitating. B: without end. C: making a bold display. 6. status quo (sta-tuhs 'kwoh) n.— A: good reputation. B: current state of affairs. C: complete sentence. 7. magnum opus ('mag-nuhm 'ohpuhs) n.—A: masterpiece. B: large debt. C: giant squid. 8. per capita (per 'ka-puh-tuh) adv.—A: financially. B: in block letters. C: for each person. 9. ergo ('er-goh) adv.—A: as soon as. B: therefore.…

WE DIDN’T LOSE THE GAME; WE JUST RAN OUT OF TIME. VINCE LOMBARDI , former Green Bay Packers coach Anxiety’s like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you very far. JODI PICOULT, author Shared joy is double joy, and shared sorrow is half-sorrow. SWEDISH PROVERB A STRANGER RINGS; A FRIEND KNOCKS. DAVE EGGERS, author and publisher It has always been easy to hate and destroy. To build and to cherish is much more difficult. QUEEN ELIZABETH II I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn’t get better. You get better. JOAN RIVERS, comedian A SHIP DOES NOT SAIL WITH YESTERDAY’S WIND. LOUIS L’AMOUR, novelist…

ON A WARM MORNING last summer, California bus driver Tim Watson was about halfway through his daily 15-mile express route from Milpitas to Fremont when an alert from the Valley Transportation Authority (VTA) flashed across his dashboard screen. A toddler had been kidnapped in Milpitas, the message read, and it asked that drivers be on the lookout for the boy. The victim was described as a three-year-old child in plaid shorts and red shoes; the suspect, a man in his 20s wearing jeans and a black hooded sweatshirt and carrying a tan backpack. Tim felt his stomach drop when he realized that a man with a toddler on his hip had boarded the bus just ten minutes earlier. Tim distinctly remembered the boy’s plaid shorts. Tim glanced in one of…

With a song, you can’t explain exactly what happens or when it’s going to happen or what it’s going to do to you or somebody else. But somehow, it’s this beautiful conduit that connects everybody in a way nothing else can. ALICIA KEYS, singer and songwriter, in Marie Claire I’VE LISTENED to someone as young as 14 and someone as old as 100 talk about their close friends, and [there are] three expectations of a close friend that I hear people describing and valuing across the entire life course: somebody to talk to, someone to depend on, and someone to enjoy. These expectations remain the same, but the circumstances under which they’re accomplished change. WILLIAM RAWLINS, PHD, professor of communications, in the Atlantic HUMANS LOVE HAIR … We’re mammals, and a mammal’s…

On June 18, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) clarified its position on the case at hand in a press release: “If a phone number has been reassigned, companies must stop calling the number after one call.” In the following weeks, both King and TWC moved for summary judgment in the case. On July 7, District Judge Alvin Hellerstein ruled that TWC was not liable for the ten calls prior to King’s October 3 call to the cable company. However, he ruled that TWC was liable for the remaining 153 calls, and not just at $500 per call, but at $1,500 per call— a total of $229,500. The judge explained that King “clearly experienced the very sort of inconvenience against which Congress sought to protect her.” But TWC is not giving…

I NEVER MAKE MY BED SO I CAN ... Thwart Dust Mites Did you know that your bed is probably home to 1.5 million hungry dust mites feeding off your dead skin cells and swimming in the moisture left over on your sweat-soaked sheets? Or that, if inhaled, the allergens they produce (which is actually their poop … Mm-mmm!) can cause asthma and allergies? Sleep tight! Thankfully, it’s easy to stop the little buggers: Don’t make your bed. Sheets and blankets tucked in with their hospital corners, just so, lock in the moisture that mites need to survive. As with Dracula, exposure to sunlight kills them. Stephen Pretlove, PhD, of Kingston University’s School of Architecture, told the BBC, “Leaving a bed unmade during the day can remove moisture from the…

• YOUR RX BOTTLES AND VITAMINS TOGETHER so you’ll have all medication information handy when you go to the doctor or an ER. • A PLANT OR FLOWER YOU LIKE. Show the picture to the staff at your local nursery. • “YOU ARE HERE” MAPS at malls, parks, and subways. You’ll have a portable map as you keep walking. • THE DRINK MENU. Send it to a friend who’s running late to dinner. • YOURSELF WEARING DIFFERENT OUTFITS in a dressing room so you can compare the looks without trying on each item again. • LOCATION SIGNS in a parking lot so you can find your way back. • YOUR WALLET, opened just enough to show what’s missing if it’s stolen. • A RECIPE’S INGREDIENTS LIST, so you can doublecheck…

Uncontrolled Spin The Power and Danger of Spin Jerry Summers www.xlibris.com $22.99 hc | $15.99 sc | $3.99 eb Romance, sexual attraction and witty conversation spin off into twisted revenge when Wendy, who shares a very dark past with her brother, realizes she is excited by the secret roll of serial killing, viewing herself as an Angel of Mercy. Memoirs by Proxy The Farmer and the Typist Beth Harlan Greb www.authorhouse.com $31.99 hc | $23.95 sc | $3.99 eb In Memoirs by Proxy, author Beth Harlan Greb examines the lives of her parents, who left behind documents and letters that allowed her to follow the journey of an American family, in their own words, from humble beginnings to prosperity. Comfort Women not “Sex Slaves” Rectifying the Myriad of Perspectives Koichi…

FROM THE ATLANTIC OUR PATIENT—WE’LL CALL HIM W.B.—is a 56-year-old father of three who, until two years ago, had always been healthy. He had worked in jobs ranging from automotive repair to sales, taking great pride in providing for his family. All of that ended in February 2014, when he was diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or ALS, commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. A neurodegenerative disease characterized by progressive muscle weakness, ALS leads to the loss of all voluntary movement, difficulty breathing, and, in the end, death. Once the initial shock passed, W.B. began researching his condition intensively. He learned that he was unlikely to survive five years and that in the meantime, his quality of life would diminish dramatically. With limited options, many patients retreat. But, quite bravely,…

1You may not need eight hours of sleep. The latest research shows the right amount is what leaves you energized the next day. I’m a sleep doctor, and I’ve been a six-and-ahalf-hour sleeper my entire adult life. 2Ditch the pajamas. Sleeping in the buff lets your skin breathe and keeps your body cool, which makes it easier to fall asleep and sleep soundly. It also boosts intimacy. One study found couples who sleep naked are more likely to report being happy in their relationships. 3I’ve cured more insomnia than you can imagine by telling people it’s OK to fall asleep with the TV on. A lot of people simply can’t turn off their brains, but watching TV helps. Put it on a timer so it doesn’t disrupt your sleep later…