Table of contents for December 2016 in Australian FourFourTwo

The FFA Cup has been a long time coming and as soon as it arrived, it was a breath of fresh air, reuniting the worlds of old and new football, and reinvigorating the slightly stale A-League while we await its further expansion. In a league controversially without promotion and relegation, it gives the NPL sides and beyond a chance to showcase their talents and a moment in the sun, while creating a decent competitive series of pre-season warm up fixtures for A-League teams. But you’d think, after having waited so long for it, we might have nailed the format better than we have... The seeding to ensure non-A-League sides face off in later stages of the competition is questionable, but the vagueness of the final venue is simply inexcusable. It…

1 SUPERSTITIOUS BUSHES CONFUSE MENTALIST Chile Santiago Things haven’t been going so well on the field for Colo-Colo, but the Chilean giants had a solution: witchcraft. Club officials decided to plant eight ‘superstitious bushes’ and then smear eight litres of vinegar over the dressing room. One problem: Colo-Colo celebrity fan Yolanda Sultana, who describes herself on her Twitter account as an astrologer and “mentalist”, intervened to tell them they were doing it all wrong. “They needed garlic, too,” she said. And maybe some good footballers as well? 2 PIGS ON THE PITCH England Charlton Pigs stopped play at The Valley, where Charlton Athletic’s match at home to Coventry was halted for five minutes when fans hurled 3,000 of the mini porcine creatures onto the pitch. Supporters of the two League…

Player of the year A shock 1-0 win over Ajax earns Stam a move from Willem II to PSV, where he wins the 1996-97 Eredivisie title and is named Dutch Footballer of the Year. Dutch master A month after a $17 million move to Man United made him the most expensive defender in history, he helps the Dutch reach the semis of the 1998 World Cup. Instant Treble Wins the Treble in his first season at Old Trafford, lifting the Premier League trophy and FA Cup before lining up in the famous Champions League victory over Bayern Munich.…

The Bottom Corner Nige Tassell (Yellow Jersey, $14.99) In an era when the focus has increasingly turned towards the global game, it’s easy to forget that there are still remarkable tales to be told in non-league. The key is knowing where to look – and Nige Tassell does all the groundwork expertly, spending an entire season away from the Premier League. The author talks to a host of fascinating interviewees such as the manager of the worst team in the FA Cup (19 defeats in a row), the Philippines international playing at Ascot as well as the Gibraltar striker with Shaw Lane Aquaforce. Other highlights include his conversations with Tranmere’s ex-FA chief, Mark Palios, South Shields veteran Julio Arca and the Sutton man who once had to rush away from…

“Who on Earth is A.H. Chequer?” That was the question asked by spectators when they saw this unfamiliar name on the Wanderers team-sheet ahead of the very first FA Cup Final, played between Wanderers and Royal Engineers in March 1872. In fact, ‘A.H. Chequer’ was a pseudonym for Morton Betts, who usually played for Harrow Chequers (hence ‘A Harrow Chequer’). The Chequers had decided to pull out of the tournament after the first round, but that didn’t stop Betts playing in the final. And, inevitably, he scored the game’s only goal. The loaning of players was common during football’s early amateur days, although – as the use of the pseudonym suggests – the practice of borrowing ringers for big matches was frowned upon as being rather unsporting. More often than…

GOOD ANDREW HOWARD WYCOMBE WANDERERS CHAIRMAN “The reality is that a window-to-window loan allows you to work with the player a lot more, and that’s a really important element of our long-term planning. Loans are obviously a really important part of life in League Two, but for us it’s absolutely critical that a proportion of our squad is made up of players who are with us on a window-to-window basis, rather than a short-term one. “I can understand the nervousness of some clubs, but picking up the phone and going for a quick-fix option isn’t always the right thing to do. To get a window-to-window loan you have to have proper relationships with the clubs that the lads are coming in from. I think of some of the players that…

Julien Faubert West Ham to Real Madrid, 2009 The lasting image from Faubert’s spell in Spain is Madrid legend Alfredo Di Stefano looking baffled while unveiling him. The Frenchman missed a training session because he thought he had the day off, and was accused of falling asleep on the bench. He denied it, but few players find that they have to. Facundo Ferreyra Shakhtar Donetsk to Newcastle, 2014-15 You may well ask, “Who?” – most Newcastle fans still do. Ferreyra played precisely nil minutes in his one season on Tyneside and confessed he wasn’t ready for the Premier League. No kidding: there were rumours that team-mates in his first training session mistook him for a competition winner. Andy Booth Sheffield Wednesday to Tottenham, 2001 Allow David Pleat, then Spurs’ director…

“CELLINO WAS SHOUTING AT ME SO LOUDLY, I HAD TO HOLD THE PHONE AT ARM’S LENGTH” Watching a Leeds United game with Massimo Cellino has always been like buckling up next to the most phobic of flyers. This time, though, he was even more anxious than usual. “He was grabbing my leg, twitching, yelling out in Italian,” Neil Redfearn remembers. “Five minutes from the end, he couldn’t take it any more and walked off, leaving me sat there on my own.” It was October 25, 2014, and Leeds had been beaten 2-1 by Wolves, leaving them 18th in the Championship. Darko Milanic was about to become the latest victim of Cellino’s managerial massacre. Redfearn stayed to the game’s conclusion, trudging away from Elland Road with the rest of Leeds’ disgruntled…

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Thailand vs Australia With Thais still mourning their dead king, this will be the quietest, least colourful game ever. Brazil vs Argentina South American grudge match, as Argentina bid to save flagging World Cup qualifying campaign England vs Scotland Last time Scotland visited Wembley, England’s winning goal was scored by, er, Rickie Lambert Dortmund vs Bayern The Bundesliga’s biggest battle as bullish BVB take on Bavaria’s best at Signal Iduna Park Milan vs Inter The Derby della Madonnina at the San Siro, as two Italian giants bid to return to former glories Barcelona vs Real Madrid Zidane won his first Clasico as Real Madrid boss – now he’s aiming for another Camp Nou victory…

I knew I’d made it as a referee the day I was driving to training and heard my phone go off with an email saying that I had been picked for the World Cup. I’d done a game in Melbourne the night before with my two assistant referees and we got the email the next day and I had to reread it a couple of times to make sure it said we had been selected. My hero growing up was probably Steve Waugh. I really liked his mental toughness in the face of adversity and the West Indian quicks. He was always a proponent of never letting yourself get too high when things were going well and never letting yourself get too low when things aren’t going so well. The…

1 “I’m not used to winning nothing – it’s the first time it’s happened to me. I’m disappointed. It’s a failure” Cantona Ibrahimovic 2 “I prefer to play and lose rather than win, because I know in advance I’m going to win” Cantona Ibrahimovic 3 “A ball is like a woman: she loves to be caressed” Cantona Ibrahimovic 4 “I didn’t injure you on purpose, and you know that. If you accuse me again, I’ll break your legs” Cantona Ibrahimovic 5 “I came like a hero, left like a legend” Cantona Ibrahimovic 6 “I’m proud of what I achieved there, but a life built on memories is not much of a life” Cantona Ibrahimovic “When people are talking about you, it means that you exist” 7 Cantona Ibrahimovic 8 “We…

Ivan Campo Real Madrid to Bolton, 2002-03 Even in a year that saw Big Sam get his Trotters on both Jay-Jay Okocha and Youri Djorkaeff, persuading Champions League-winner Campo to swap Madrid for Bolton was some feat. He loved the town – and last-day league survival – so much that he stayed for another five years. Thibaut Courtois Chelsea to Atletico Madrid, 2011-14 In 2013 Courtois was, even at 21, among the world’s best goalkeepers, having just won La Liga’s Zamora trophy for clean sheets. So Chelsea sent him to Atletico for a third year. To show how nonsensical that was, Atleti won the Spanish title and beat the Belgian’s paymasters – who had a 40-year-old Mark Schwarzer between the sticks – in the Champions League semis. Kevin Campbell Trabzonspor…

Ricardo Quaresma Inter to Chelsea, 2009 Dubbed the ‘Golden Bin’ of Serie A in 2008, future European Championship winner Quaresma was sent to Chelsea by Jose Mourinho, who clearly fancied a joke at his previous employers’ expense. The Portugal winger made five appearances in all competitions, four of them as a sub, in a spell that even he probably doesn’t remember. Dean Saunders Swansea to Cardiff, 1985 Saunders crossed a line that few other players have, and we don’t mean by embellishing stories about Brian Clough’s drinking. In 1985, the forward headed down the M4 and failed to score in four games for his club’s bitter rivals. That’s some top sabotage by Swansea. Kasper Schmeichel Manchester City to Falkirk, 2007 Long before he was a Premier League-winner, the second-most famous…

“You can trick a defender by pretending to switch off. You’re playing a game of cat and mouse” Hi Charlie. What advice can you give us to help improve our finishing? Hi. It’s all about composure. When you’re in front of goal, don’t panic. I think a lot of people get into that position and then freeze and take too long. If you’re one-on-one with the keeper, it’s important that you don’t change your mind. If you feel like you’re going to go round him, go round him. If you feel like you’re going to take an early shot, then go and do it. If you want to chip him, do that. All of my finishing is about committing to it – relax, pick your spot and commit. What’s your…

What is it? The SIXPAD Abs Fit is designed to help give you a washboard stomach while you’re at work, carrying out household chores or just lazing about on the sofa. How does it work? Six pads stick to your abdominals and pump out electric waves, making your muscles contract. For best results, the user should undergo one 23-minute session every day for eight weeks. Who uses it? None other than Real Madrid star, Euro 2016 winner and owner of football’s most famous set of abs, Cristiano Ronaldo. The 31-year-old says the tech is an indispensable part of his daily training regime. Why is he using it? Possibly to earn a large sum of money from an endorsement deal. Even so, the technology does allow its user to directly target…

“BACK IN 1987 MARADONA SENT PEOPLE TO MUNICH WITH ONE MILLION DEUTSCHE MARKS IN A BOX, WANTING ME TO SIGN FOR NAPOLI” CLUBS 1979-84 Borussia Monchengladbach 1984-88 Bayern Munich 1988-92 Inter Milan 1992-2000 Bayern Munich 2000 MetroStars MANAGERIAL ROLES 2001-02 Rapid Vienna 2002-03 Partizan Belgrade 2003-06 Hungary 2006 Atletico Paranaense 2006-07 Red Bull Salzburg 2008-09 Maccabi Netanya 2010-11 Bulgaria It’s a Sunday afternoon in Munich, and it feels as if FFT has stumbled into an extremely upmarket, slightly more German version of Cheers . We’re inside what must be the city’s finest hotel, the Vier Jahreszeiten Kempinski, and it’s a place where everybody knows Lothar Matthaus’ name. Instead of Ted Danson, there’s an array of immaculately dressed hotel staff offering their assistance as…

When you retired as a player back in 2007, you said that you had no interest in moving into management. Why did you change your mind? Yes, I admit I was completely wrong. At the time I finished playing, I thought I didn’t want all that pressure any more, but I had to do something – I’m not the type of person to sit at home and stare out of the window all day. I was offered lots of television work, including being on the Dutch version of Big Brother, but I didn’t want that. The truth is when I retired from football, I stopped being involved in the most beautiful thing in my life, so I had to get back into it again. It’s been nine years since you…

Scott Innes Lorry driver, 45 Lewis Toshney Defender, 24 Q: Who scored the club’s second and decisive goal against Barça at the Camp Nou in 1987? SI: Iain Ferguson! What a match that was! LT: I don’t have a clue! 1-0 Fan Q: Who is the club’s all-time record appearance maker? SI: It’s Dave Narey. LT: Paul Sturrock or Dave Narey... I’ll go Narey. 2-1 Fan Q: Who scored an injury-time equaliser at home to Dundee in March 2016? SI: I’m pretty sure that it was Billy Mckay. LT: I should definitely know this one. I think it was Billy Mckay? 3-2 Fan Q: In which year did the Tangerines last win the Scottish title? SI: It was definitely 1983. Happy days. LT: 1982? 1983? Er I’ll go for 1983.…

4 ADELAIDE UNITED 2 CENTRAL COAST MARINERS March 27, 2016 Coopers Stadium, Adelaide THE LEAD UP I had missed a lot of the season and I knew coming back there were only six games to score as many goals as possible to finish the season on a high. Previous to the Adelaide game, I had scored against Sydney and was starting to get match-fit again. THE MATCH I scored in the first 10-15 minutes of the game and that gave the team and myself a little bit of confidence to go on and do well in the game, but it didn’t transpire that way. It was a difficult game – Adelaide were flying – they were full of confidence and were playing some really good stuff. By the time I…

ALFREDO DI STEFANO Real Madrid Signed from Colombian club Millonarios after a complicated tug of war with Barcelona, the Blond Arrow established Real Madrid as the world’s greatest club side, able to buy the finest talent. He also opened the floodgates for more South American players to move to Europe, something that soon became commonplace. RUUD GULLIT Chelsea Nearly 33 and past his best, the dreadlocked Dutchman was nevertheless the most important signing in Chelsea’s modern history as a statement of the club’s intent to bring glamour and glory back to the Bridge. As player-manager, he then won the Blues’ first major trophy for 26 years and made Gianfranco Zola his first signing. JOHAN CRUYFF Barcelona According to the New York Times, he did “more for the spirit of Catalan…

How did you first feel about going on loan? My first spell was at Yeovil and I really enjoyed that. It wasn’t about picking a style of club back then; it was about experiencing men’s football and the mentality that comes with it. It was great fun. You were put in a pressurised situation and had to stand on your own two feet. It’s a challenge to leave home and your club but you adapt, learn how to cook and do things that would otherwise be done for you. What did you learn from your 11 loan spells? You pick up things from every club. I was at Charlton with Yann Kermorgant and then at Brighton with Leonardo Ulloa, and I took a lot of things away from the way…

The global loan system – described as “football’s Wild West” by The Guardian’s Owen Gibson – is open to an element of interpretation. Just ask Simone Verdi, co-owned by Milan and Torino for four years but finding himself at Empoli for two of them. He was sold in a blind auction (obviously) after co-ownership in Italy was outlawed. Then there’s Allan Nyom. The West Bromwich Albion full-back was signed by Udinese in 2009 and spent six years with the club, without playing or even training with them. He told FFT he’d been to Italy only once – for his medical. Instead, Nyom spent six seasons on loan at Granada (below left), signing a new contract ‘with Udinese’ in 2013, before joining their other sister club, Watford, in 2015. It puts…

How does being on loan compare to playing Under-23 football? You don’t get the passion when you’re playing for the Under-23s. I’m here to make sure Yeovil stay in the Football League, because if they get relegated, players and staff could lose their jobs. These are guys that have families to look after and so there’s a huge amount riding on this season. To be in that kind of high pressure environment is a massive plus for my game. What’s it like going from a Premier League club to League Two? I had every say in where I was going to go out on loan. This is my third time at Yeovil and every time I’ve been welcomed like I’m one of the club’s own players. I’m a believer that…

Age 27 Height 6ft 2in First Football League goal For Swindon at Carlisle in 2009 Favourite goal An extra-time tap-in for QPR to beat Wigan in the 2014 Championship play-off semi-final Pre-match playlist “Oasis, Drake and Bastille are three of my favourites” Favourite tune “I like Champagne Supernova by Oasis – hearing it means it’s time to get to work” Pre-match meal “Pasta, chicken and a bit of pesto. It’s boring, really” Treat food Katsu curry…

Juan Mata He held up the team bus to pose for a pic with disabled fan Alex Nield. Top man, Juan. Vitamin D tablets Studies suggest that one a day will protect you from diseases that include cancer and type 1 diabetes. Nick Cushing The Man City Women manager lifted the Continental Cup, then sped away to see his daughter being born. eSports If you spend your Saturday evenings watching grown men playing video games online, it’s time you got a new hobby. England The Three Lions were lucky to come away from Slovenia with a 0-0 draw thanks to Joe Hart’s efforts. Where can we watch some paint drying? Roberto Di Matteo Four years ago he won the Champions League with Chelsea; now he’s in the dole queue, having…

PAOLO MALDINI “I’ve got to have Maldini in my team – so much so, I’m going to have to leave myself out! He was a legend at Milan and a hero of mine when I was growing up. Since then I have come across him a few times in my career and he’s a real gentleman. He has got to be in my side.” RIO FERDINAND “Playing alongside him for England, I could see how he was one of the world’s best centre-backs on the ball. He was always so comfortable. As a defender, I think Rio had everything: composure, speed and he read the game well, too. He scored the odd goal as well. It was a real pleasure to play alongside him.” STEVEN GERRARD “People often spoke about…